joint statement

APPENDIX

Joint Statement of the Parties
“Representatives of the Williston Federated Church and Pamela Gude have participated in an extended mediation process, and are pleased to announce that they have come to a mutually satisfactory outcome.
During the mediation, there was discussion of important issues, losses, and the pain that has been caused and experienced on both sides.  From this discussion, important lessons were identified, and both sides searched for an outcome that would settle the conflict and create an outcome that would be of benefit to others.
 Among the insights that emerged from the discussion are the nuances of best practice in responding to the needs of victims of sexual aggression and  the importance of constructive conflict engagement in faith communities.
 Among the solutions that the parties have identified are an expansion of the right of appeal for congregants at the Williston Federated Church and training for church leadership and all who have an interest in how to best respond to those who have experienced sexual violence.
Above all, what has emerged is a commitment to each other’s well - being, to solidarity with those who lack voice, and to a future for all involved that is peaceful, respectful and friendly.
 The parties to this conflict wish to publicly acknowledge each other for the hard work of engagement on the issues and express their relief and gratitude that they have found a satisfactory outcome with each other.”

witness

i woke up this morning wishing i were dead.

it's not that unusual. it is the baseline condition of my life. that's how i know i am awake in the morning: when the level of pain in what we'll call my "soul" reaches the point where i simply can't lie in bed any longer.

if i were dead, though, i could not any longer do the work of bearing witness to everyone i meet of the damage done by the williston federated church, its power-loving fraudulent pastor, or its congregation of people who have abdicated moral standing in favor of some happy spirit lite by which they gather in the name of a fiction, behave contrary to that fiction, call themselves good people and call it a day.

i'm not even a musician anymore. i have a closet full of instruments that used to be beautiful and i can't even bear to open the cases to perform basic maintenance on them because when i came to the williston federated church i was a musician and i turned all of my gift over to that fiction of a god and that lie of the church and now to even so much as sing "happy birthday" when asked makes me feel sick.

and the shallow people of the church would just as well pass off the damage they do and turn their backs on the broken shells they suck dry and go on with their cheerful fraud and forget each case as an unfortunate incident.

so every day i have to bear witness to the whole house of lies. united methodist church task force? fraud. they sit at conferences and talk about how they're going to support victims but they won't clean their own house because they have no moral standing.

united church of christ?

an even bigger pack of lies.

so it's back to letter writing, standing on the corner, and the laying of curses.

when i find the graves of your ancestors, i spit on them and curse the whole lot of them for bringing you forth. each object i have touched in that church, each brick i have carefully picked to bear the curse: be uneasy. feel off-balance, uncomfortable, vaguely sick. be ashamed, do all to each other what you have done to me. know there is no safe haven.

of course i know that curses aren't any more real than the stupidity of prayers said by the desperate and gullible but since you believe in such fairy tales, i call on those same fairy takes to bind each stone of your benighted building in an interlocking curse to pass from generation to generation to amplify in your own souls and the souls of your children and grandmothers the damage you did you me.

and that's why i'll be back out on your corner: to remind you of it each time you pass that misbegotten building for you are never, ever to be allowed to forget, williston federated church and joan newton o'gorman, that you are the single worst thing to have happened to me and every day when i wake up wishing i were dead i want you to remember it. i want your children to remember that i too believed as you believe in the fairytale god and his useless son. i sang with all my heart the glory of the nonexistent and preached the same love and forgiveness until i learned that when your best friend's husband crawls on top of you and sticks his tongue in your mouth that what your church has for you is shame and ostracism.

it would have been ok after the assault. i thought i would fall back on faith. i thought i would be ok because i had the church.

but the church is a farce and that hope and the stripping of dignity by the church did more damage than anything else.

they always call it love, the abusers of your body, of your spirit, the ones hungry for power and in love with authority.

as long as any thing touched by my hand exists in that church, as long as any debt is owed to me, as long as i can hold in my hand any things of the church, the curse will stand.

someday i will throw out all the useless bibles i carried around while i was under the delusion, but not before i shit on every page.

so there's the sum of your teaching, williston federated church: one might as well pray to cheese, because at least cheese exists. i came to you with a vibrant, joyful faith and i through your teaching i realized that there is no god, and no fellowship. i learned it from the pastor, i learned it from the choir, i learned it from the "service".

i learned it from every person in every pew.

you have been assaulted? you are being stalked in the church? not our problem. you think taking up more work in the church will help you? we call you unfit. you wish to appeal? you have no recourse. you wish to protest? we turn you out.

it's funny, because when i served on the board of deacons at another church, one thing we talked about was the problem of why people leave churches instead of talking, instead of staying and working out issues.

well, that's why.

i miss the delusion, though. it was comforting to believe some invisible being created the world and cared about me. i miss the feeling that there was a congregation of people, a brotherhood in this god and the message that we are all together, we work out our differences and all things may be forgiven and all people have a home here.

what i learned is that when evil is done to you, those in love with authority will use power to turn you away from that supposed fellowship of god and i therefore conclude that such god was only ever a construction of authority, a tool of shame and control over the weak and the willing, the hungry and the afraid.

what i learned is that none of it is true.

you have no recourse. we will cast you out.

oh yes? do you doubt it for a moment? if there really is a god and all are united in brotherhood, if all are welcome, then why do new churches keep splitting off when one faction can't control another? why, in this great brotherhood, are those who speak up made unwelcome and sent away? why do the churches keep splitting and splitting? why do they preach against each other?

don't tell me it's because people are flawed; by that argument you've just proved the point. people are just fine. it's your headless, heartless, fractious, fictional institution that's the problem.

and i will be a witness to it as long as that cursed building stands. for every new brick laid, for every stroke of new paint, for every flower planted, i lay the curse: be uncomfortable. wither in sickness. for every morning i wake in pain, may you and your children and your children's children rest uneasy and in sickness for a hundred days.

here's a slice of gouda; ask it to make us all healed.

i am done waiting

i am done waiting for the keystone cops to assemble themselves, a thing they could do right quick when they were racing around to humiliate and ostracize the victim of the assault because "we have to follow the pastor no matter what she says because she's our spiritual leader!"

jesus. h. christ.

if the pastor wanted commit spiritual abuse and discrimination and leave assault victims open to predation IN THE CHURCH BUILDING and tell lies on top of it, would you still... oh, wait. nevermind. that happened.



we're irrelevant and useless in the church
we're irrelevant and useless in the church
and we stoop by our volition to archaic superstition
we're irrelevant and useless in the church.


the bottom line is that wednesday is ash wednesday. you can go to service and have the prideful pastor impose ashes on your foreheads, but as long as i'm outside with my trombone you will need to think about which of your sins you are not really asking forgiveness for, you are not really atoning for because you have not made them right. you have not fixed what you broke. you have not welcomed those you have hurt. you haven't even said "sorry" so when you go and stand before your imaginary friend and ask to be forgiven the sins you confess, i'm going to be out on the corner calling bullshit.

we're back to forty days, forty protests.

forever and ever, amen.

you have nothing to offer me.

more to the point, you have nothing worthwhile to offer.

lent is about to begin.

maybe you'll give up spiritual colonization. maybe you'll give up blind obedience to love of authority. maybe you'll give up outdated and irrelevant superstition.

or maybe you'll just keep doing what you do.

williston federated church, i learned it from you more strongly than i could have gotten it anywhere else: there is no god. you have taught me well.

see you on the corner.

hah.

http://firedoglake.com/2014/02/27/late-night-feed-em-to-the-lions/

I AM OUTCAST FROM THIS CHURCH

here's a good lenten project: remember daily what you broke. remember daily the humiliation and ostracism you put me through. remember daily that you are the worst thing to happen to me, ever.

you read that right. you are worse than being assaulted by my best friend's husband.

remember that you are poorly led sheep with no moral standing, no relevance, and no strength to stand up to anything uncomfortable.

you are headless, you are heartless in the church
i can tell by your behavior that you never met the savior
you are heartless, you are headless in the church.

lenten project

in the days when i used to believe there was a god, i used to have a lenten project.

for my lenten project this year i want to be standing on the corner, black cowl, to remind the williston federated church that i was cast out, humiliated.

never let them forget the harm done.

intertwined curses: never forget what you broke. never forget your abdication of moral standing. never forget that you broke a life. never rest easy as long as you walk this stone, sit under this roof; be uncomfortable, be off-balance. hear that sound? see that shadow?

know as surely as i stand here that there is no redemption, no resurrection, no forgiveness.

it is a blind alley, the church. it is an empty meal.

it is irrelevant, useless, and dangerous.

waiting

do not think, williston federated church, that i have lost interest. do not think, united church of christ, that you are off the hook. do not think, united methodist church, that we are done with this.

it is painful for me each day not to be taking action, not to be doing anything.

but sometimes the single best thing you can do is sit back and give the other side time and space to do a right thing.

i say "a" right thing because there never has been any one right thing, but a number of right things that could have been done at many places on the timeline, starting with the bad behavior of the pastor and the bad decisions of the church leadership.

there is time and opportunity, williston federated church, to repair some of what you broke.

there is opportunity, united church of christ, to try to be the thing you represent yourself as. there is time, united methodist church, to reclaim your abdicated moral authority.

the UMC task force for victim advocacy? too bad thats a fraud.

but it doesn't have to be.

it's time to step up. and you should be stepping up with the same alacrity you showed when you decided to humiliate and ostracize the victim for the sake of a pastor more in love with her own authority than with her dubious call.

may you rest uneasy

http://hypnoticowl.com/theday/play/

some words of martin luther king jr.

You may well ask: Why direct action? Why sit-ins, marches and so forth? Isn’t negotiation a better path?” You are quite right in calling for negotiation. Indeed, this is the very purpose of direct action. Nonviolent direct action seeks to create such a crisis and foster such a tension that a community which has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue. It seeks to so dramatize the issue that it can no longer be ignored.

i don't have much to say

it occurs to me that i should say something for the people who keep coming here to (i presume) find out what's going on, because i have not been on the corner protesting, and i have not been writing anything here.

i believe good progress is being made toward a settlement and while the protest isn't over 'til it's over, i think it's pretty much over, barring surprises.

when the concerns are being adequately met, there's no need for protest. this is true both before a protest happens and also once it has started.

i have a hope that something better comes of it, and while it was an acceptable result in terms of setting my life to right after what happened, i recognize that it may be preferable for the solution to be acceptable to a greater number of people.

sorry to leave you hanging, people who are looking for information. there's nothing to say about the protest because right now at least, there's no protest. if things continue to go well, there will continue to be no protest, and we may see an end to it, all wrapped up and official.

until then, i simply have nothing to say.

be well.

BOHICA

yeah, that assault was a walk in the park compared to what you get next.

we're the williston federated church. BOHICA.

it's who we are.

yeah, too bad about that assault thing.

BOHICA.

here at the williston federated church we really care about our church family.

except for, you know, BOHICA.

same song, different verse

"no matter who you are, no matter where you are on your spiritual journey, all are welcome at this table."

except you.

wen you come broken with your soul crushed in the aftermath of the assault in which you are defiled, do not expect us to ray for your wounds. do not expect to be welcome to eat at the Lord's table. do not expect that "church family" means anything other than "loose confederation of smiling hypocrites"

"do you accept the costs and joys of following Jesus?"

only if it's not awkward.

good job, williston federated church.

bright sunshiny day

it's business as usual at the williston federated church.

this morning one church lady passing me tried to sing back at me which was amusing, because she learned real quick that it's harder than it looks to stay with the tune and the lyrics and the central message in that situation.

but she was singing something about how much she LOVES this church and this congregation.

yeah, i did too, right up until and past the point at which i got thrown out of it for what happened to me in the aftermath of finding myself on my back underneath a creepy old pervert.

my takeaway from the encounter: the protest is effective.

and two ladies going by me asked me angrily why i don't just go IN the church, as if going in would magically show me God's own healing.

yeah, well, that's kind of the central issue here.

when i got thrown out of the church in the aftermath of my best friend's husband, the creepy old pervert crawling on top of me and putting his tongue in my mouth, i kind of lost the ability to go into the church and experience God's own healing.

if i had been allowed to heal with the community of the church or maybe competent pastoral care or any of the things that victims of assaults might expect from a faith community that purports to be about healing and love and service, i would have been inside standing in the choir instead of outside with a protest sign.

unfortunate, that.

funny thing: when you get tossed out of a church for what happens to you in the aftermath of your assault and the subsequent stalking THAT TOOK PLACE IN THE CHURCH WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE PASTOR AND OTHER CHURCH MEMBERS and you'll be arrested if you step on the lawn, that alternative of coming inside to receive grace of any kind is kind of out of the question.

it would have been nice not to have been ejected and sent away in humiliation and disgrace. it would have been nice to have been inside this morning and every sunday morning, but it's been taken right out of my hands.

it's a problem of the vacuum of leadership.

and by the way, reverend debbie ingraham, the next time you run for office, expect to be asked questions in public forums about why you as a methodist clergyman are complicit in this coverup.

there is going to be a cultural change at the williston federated church.

that is not a choice.

the only thing that is a choice is what form the change will take.

will you, the church, continue to harden your hearts against the injured, or will you start being the body of jesus on this earth?

will you accept the costs and joys of following jesus?

or will you only take up the cross until it's uncomfortable and an old pervert might be embarrassed by what he did?

will you be afraid to look on the face of sorrow? will you be afraid to look on what your indifference has made?

there is going to be change.

which change will you choose?

more bad judgement

i don't know who thought it would be funny to go to a public "community event" as a representative of a protestant church dressed up as a nun for halloween, but i can tell you that catholics in general are pretty sick of protestants thinking that catholic religious figures make funny halloween costumes.

so way to go, williston federated church. awesome way to show you've got your act together to have someone dresses as a nun on the lawn while your catholic neighbors are coming home from mass.

way to be respectful.

no moral compass, no moral leadership. it shows it many ways, large and small.

fall flop

well, i'd call that a smashing success, wouldn't you?

it is interesting to note that the fraudulent pastor went in costume as her true anima: the queen, complete with crown and scepter, the trappings of the power she loves so much more than her call.

it was also interesting to notice some really significant flaws in planning and execution of the event, which probably would have gone better if there wasn't such a vacuum of leadership at the williston federated church.

i mean, just for starters: hey! i have an idea! let's spend some money we don't really have on a public festival on our tiny front lawn right where the protester stands. that will be an excellent way to signal to the community that we really have our act together.

for me, though, it was mostly just the usuals.

tan car man was there, and scripture guy. the usual honks and waves, thumbs ups, and v-for-victory.

a family in a car went by with thumbs up and shouted YEAH! LET 'EM ALL GO TO HELL!

there was one wolf howl and one guy from the church who went by with one very loud aggressive honk and a full arm flipping me off that was pretty stunning in its majesty and anger, which suits me fine.

one woman i don't think affiliated with the church went by and she seemed to be disapproving, but it's hard to tell when people shout things with the windows rolled up what all they mean.

i know from experience that not all people who smile at you are supporters and not all people who look angry are detractors. when you protest a thing that brings out strong negative emotions in people, sometimes your best supporters are wearing angry faces.

so i don't judge intent unless i can hear the actual words or see clear gestures.

i think -but it's just a guess- she was not a supporter.

there was also a disturbing gesture i had never seen before: someone from the back of a stretch limousine stuck out an arm and with pointed finger pretend fired shots into me.

ok, then.

you know, it would not be my first choice to get the crap beaten out of me on the church lawn or for someone to shoot me dead there, but for sure nobody would ever forget it.

talk about profound discomfort.

going into month twelve.

if the williston federated church had had adequate leadership, the protest would have been over before tomorrow.

wait, let's back up.

if the williston federated church had had adequate leadership, the protest would not have gone into one day let alone eleven months.

tomorrow, i imagine, will be awkward and uncomfortable. that's a necessary attribute of protest.

i am prepared for it.

just so we're clear

there was a stepping down of the protest while mediation was in progress.

since there is no actual progress unless you count flowery notes and messages on the sidewalk (which are not progress on anything but only empty noise), the daily protests will resume at full volume later this week.

if the church has not made sufficient progress toward changing its toxic culture before the fraudulent pastor retires, the church will simply bear the protest until i am too damn old.

it is not going away until it is fixed or until i have been laid in my grave.

the leadership vacuum at the church and in the united methodist church and especially in the cheerfully inept and toxic money-grubbing untied church of christ should be brought up short on its chain and truth told until it is made whole.

every person who stood by and let it pass shares in the responsibility of coverup. every church person having knowledge of the assault and coverup affiliated with either church is part of the problem, regardless of their pretense of being about healing or survivor advocacy. that pastor over in south burlington, i'm looking at you.

there is no cure for it but truth telling, over and over as long as there are eyes to see or ears to hear and it matters not one bit if people are tired of it.


until it is corrected, it is not over.

escape hatch

it's be hard for me to be on the corner because i'm out on the road. i had to come home special for the chicken supper last week, and i'll come home in time for the fall fest.

there is an escape hatch that could help settle this before christmas, but i doubt anyone will move fast enough to make it happen before easter.

see, in order to find out what it is, someone would have to talk with me.

chalk messages are not talking. i will share that information with the mediator if asked. it is time sensitive, i think. i think the current window will close soon and the next will not open up until may.

it isn't much, but it's something.

would you rather have the protest be over now, or in january? in january, or in may? in may, or never?

fall fest

i am looking forward to protesting at the upcoming fall fest.

it will be a long day, but i can pack a lunch.