lent, day 25

today's walk was very dense and i do not know if i can remember it all.

there were  a half dozen thumbs up, some waving, and one friendly honk-and-wave. there were two large gesticulators who may or may not have been hostile; i could not match body language to facial expression or tone of voice -unable to hear words from passing vehicle- so i don't know about those.

clearly the new game plan at the church is to be very kind; the same people who have been tight-lipped are stopping to say good morning and to smile and say hello. it;s just creepy when they make that change all at once.

that said, a couple people i was actually close to spoke to me today. we miss each other.

a third woman asked me to explain, coyly hitting on the point of why i didn't report the assault to the police, as if that proves it to be fictional.

well, the police understand why i didn't report it to the police. or at least officer scott of the williston police understands it.

i didn't expect much from this woman. she is the same one who some weeks ago called me "bitch" loud enough for me to hear and then five minutes later was all smiles and wished me a good morning.

and outside the church a man stopped his car to ask me for the story, but i told him there was traffic waiting behind him and he moved on.

a car belonging to a local christian radio station went by today and slowed WAY down. it;s not the first time they've passed, but each time they pass they take longer to do it and my feeling is that they're deciding whether or not to talk with me.

two women out walking stopped to talk with me and suggested a local advocacy group. i said i had looked at their website a lot of times, but never talked to them because i got my assault to stop before it went too far -wait, how far is acceptable?- but i always feel like i;m the junior varsity coming on the field.

they said not to worry. people understand.


and one woman stopped and asked if she could walk with me a while. so she did. we talked of what had happened to me and about faith and power structures and secrets.

i hear that they're going to discuss this in meetings at the church next week, that they are finding this very uncomfortable and that they hope to find a resolution.

what they don't realize is that this IS a resolution. i am fully comfortable in it now. this new normal is light and easy for me. there's nothing i want from them anymore.

i ran into someone from my first church at the grocery store. she asked how things were at the church.

"they threw me out", i said.

and i told her the story. it was kind of important because i have been trying to figure out how to write the pastor at that church and explain that because the williston federated church will be meeting jointly with them on good friday, my protest will necessarily visit their church as well.

they are people of conscience, people who know me. i will prefer if they are not caught by surprise, not unnecessarily upset.