ninth sunday in ordinary time

there's not a lot i have to say about it while it's in mediation.

when they ask how they help, i tell them it's in mediation.

that's what i'm telling people, because it's true.  i'm still out on the street to continue to exert pressure and discomfort, but for the duration of the mediation i have stepped back in both tone and frequency.

i'm sure today seemed like an escalation inside the church, though, because it was the first day that they wanted the windows open and i do not think they like my singing, which has been going on for months. it's just that suddenly it's hot out and they can't have the windows open without hearing it.

...which is sort of the whole point. i do not intend for them ever to be inside without having to remember that i am outside.

i have spoken once before about the reverend crocker here, and i keep thinking i will speak about him again and mention that i have solidified an opinion of him.

a man i talked to on the sidewalk today about it summed it up perfectly when i described my interactions with him: "so he could be just passive aggressive or he could actually be practicing what he preaches".

and that was the thing. it is hard to tell what people's motivations are, particularly when they treat you with kindness from the opposite side of a conflict.

you know the joke? the christian version of "fuck you" is "i'll pray for you".

today apparently the reverend crocker had the pulpit. and when you have the pulpit you may act with certain authority.

i cannot tell you how at times i have howled in my soul for my exile from the table of communion because in a way to be denied communion at any table of the lord is to be turned away at every table.

if one is chained, none are free.

if one is turned away, none are really welcome.

i will tell you that it was the reverend crocker who made sure i had a palm if i wanted it on palm sunday.

and it was the reverend crocker who after today's service brought with him a server and they served to me, with my sign, communion on the streetcorner, which is a stunning expamle of ministering to all.

i was so ambivalent about it because i do not think i believe anymore in that god i had loved so much,  and it is a very strange feeling to know with all my heart that i WANT a thing i do not think i believe.

if god exists, reverend crocker, he is pleased with you.

whether or not he exists, i thank you for your mercy.