all i'm saying about it

because people keep reading this blog i am going to assume that someone out there is looking for clues of some kind.

i will tell you that a thing happened that was not acceptable in terms of honesty even in conflict, and it placed me in some danger.

it was the act of a few individuals.

by the time i even got to have the conversation with the mediator about why i thought the mediation was over, the thing was being addressed sufficiently for me to remain in the conversation.

i realize that maybe it is not fair to simply have left this blog with no clue that mediation continues.

i have been absent from active protest for the time being and this blog is about that protest, so until i return to the line, there won't be much here in the way of updates.

if there's a critical development that happens outside of mediation, i may tell you about it but the thing about process is that you have to let it work.

there's going to be some more quiet here for a while.

it's not from loss of interest. it is about letting the process work.

i only mention it because still every day some people are reading. some of those people may have an actual stake in the outcome and need to hear from me what i think or intend.

hello, people.

i hope you are well.

this is as far as i go for now.

i hope you will understand.

thursday of the tenth week of ordinary time

now that mediation has failed, daily protests will resume until i am just too damn old to hold the sign up.


it's the new normal. let's all just get used to it, ok?

tenth sunday in ordinary time

it's going to be along day, today, with two scheduled marches: one for the morning service and one for the evening concert.

yes, you are the kind of church that punishes people and sends them away.

no, not everyone is welcome.

this is the new normal, me on the streetcorner.

let's all get used to it, shall we? when the mediation fails i will return to the daily protest, and let your corner be a sign to all people for all time.

i am going partly off-message today:

i have two signs. one is the usual, and the other says

HELP FUND
our
EUROPEAN
VACATION

you know, because this church can afford european vacations subsidized by grants fromt he lilly foundation. it's on their webpage. check it out.

so: we punish the victims and send them away forever. we cut them off from community, but we go on european package tour vacations.

we are, after all, a church.


and those things are the work of god, are they not?

didn't jesus say that?

CAST PEOPLE AWAY. USE THEM UP AND WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED, GO ON A EUROPEAN PACKAGE TOUR.

ninth sunday in ordinary time

there's not a lot i have to say about it while it's in mediation.

when they ask how they help, i tell them it's in mediation.

that's what i'm telling people, because it's true.  i'm still out on the street to continue to exert pressure and discomfort, but for the duration of the mediation i have stepped back in both tone and frequency.

i'm sure today seemed like an escalation inside the church, though, because it was the first day that they wanted the windows open and i do not think they like my singing, which has been going on for months. it's just that suddenly it's hot out and they can't have the windows open without hearing it.

...which is sort of the whole point. i do not intend for them ever to be inside without having to remember that i am outside.

i have spoken once before about the reverend crocker here, and i keep thinking i will speak about him again and mention that i have solidified an opinion of him.

a man i talked to on the sidewalk today about it summed it up perfectly when i described my interactions with him: "so he could be just passive aggressive or he could actually be practicing what he preaches".

and that was the thing. it is hard to tell what people's motivations are, particularly when they treat you with kindness from the opposite side of a conflict.

you know the joke? the christian version of "fuck you" is "i'll pray for you".

today apparently the reverend crocker had the pulpit. and when you have the pulpit you may act with certain authority.

i cannot tell you how at times i have howled in my soul for my exile from the table of communion because in a way to be denied communion at any table of the lord is to be turned away at every table.

if one is chained, none are free.

if one is turned away, none are really welcome.

i will tell you that it was the reverend crocker who made sure i had a palm if i wanted it on palm sunday.

and it was the reverend crocker who after today's service brought with him a server and they served to me, with my sign, communion on the streetcorner, which is a stunning expamle of ministering to all.

i was so ambivalent about it because i do not think i believe anymore in that god i had loved so much,  and it is a very strange feeling to know with all my heart that i WANT a thing i do not think i believe.

if god exists, reverend crocker, he is pleased with you.

whether or not he exists, i thank you for your mercy.

eighth sunday of ordinary time

i have to admit the whole of my attention wan't on the walk this morning, although one might think the cold and the blattering rain might put my mind firmly in the "now" of it.

but it was kind of just a placeholder. a thing i do while i'm marking time. it's simply the normal of my life. on sundays i go to church.

sundays i go to church and i stand on the outside, looking in. sundays i do not let it be forgotten that i am in exile.

you can send me away but i will make certain none of you ever forgets.

here i am, right where you left me. i can't ever come home again, but i can stand here on the curb for the rest of my natural life.

tan car man was there. there were a lot of wavers, a lot of thumbs-up. people mostly slowed way down today or flashed their lights until they were sure i had seen them.

one man said something out of his window, which given the rain HAD to be on purpose, but traffic noise made it impossible for me to hear his words. his intent was unclear, too.

here is a thing i have learned over the months: most gestures made by drivers have more to do with their phones or their dogs than anything going on outside the car. and windshield glare keeps a person on the street from seeing almost everything about a driver's face most of the time.

anyway, when i was done walking i came home and made cookies. and i went to a birthday party. every once in a while there walks on the planet a person who creates around him the world he wants to live in. he picks his fights based on principles and is extravagantly generous and changes lives everywhere he goes. he is authentically and fully himself.

and i made him cookies.

rain

pentecost sunday

it felt good to be back walking the line today.

when i see the looks of derision and mockery on the faces of some of the church people, i know why it is so important to walk.

statistically i am not the first person in the congregation to have been assaulted and statistically i am not going to be the last. it does not matter if it is the same perpetrator or a different one.

what matters is the response and support or lack thereof by a congregation.

institutionally churches say the right words. they use words like "safe churches initiative" and "crisis response team" but the message that the williston federated church is actually sending is "when it happens to you, you will be outcast. you will not be believed, and you will be blamed."

it is right and good for this to be brought to the surface and exposed, because sometimes the assault is much less damaging than the response of your community. if the church community is going to be part of the problem, it needs to be identified because the future assault victims will need to know not to expect support from that quarter.

churches tell you they will support and care. but it just gets too uncomfortable to have to face that it happens between people of their own congregations. if they are not inclined or equipped to help, they should be identified as such.

i would not expect support or care or community from my grocery store or computer repair shop, but churches purport to be about caring and supporting. they talk of comfort and family and guidance and maybe there are churches who know how to cope when this happens within their own community, but i am not seeing it here.

so when i am met with cheerful looks of hostility and derision or mocked and blamed for what happened to me and my audacity in naming it, i know very well why it is important for me to walk that corner with the sign.

williston federated church, how are you explaining this to your young people?

are you telling them that when (and the sad statistical reality is that it will be "when" and not "if") -when it happens to them, they will be believed for some reason?

no. you are sending the message that it is risky to tell. you are sending the message that you will judge and blame the victim. you are sending the message that you are not safe, regardless of the words you say.

your actions speak.