fourth monday of easter

life is complex.

today i wanted to post a screencap of the search terms people are using to find this blog and write a short meditation on some of the "what-ifs" that cross my mind, like the sadness i my soul over the things i have lost in a chain of events following a creepy predatory pervert climbing on top of me violating me in first person and again by virtue of having been my best friend's husband and the magnitude of that betrayal and on top of that the fear of loss of community and communion and the humiliation in the church because it;s ok if a thing happens to you as long as nobody has to hear about it because otherwise it just makes us all too uncomfortable and this table of the lord is only selectively available to people who look and sound right and it probably would be ok if you get assaulted by someone we don't know; we'd be comfortable praying for you if THAT happened but if the creepy old pervert who jams his tongue in your mouth is someone we know it makes us too uncomfortable and it's just too bad for you.

well, that was a bit of a ramble.

i'm feeling kind of raw.

i did my errands and the grocery shopping and i went to walk the line and i had what i think was an angry honk because even though windshield glare kept me from seeing the driver, you get a sense for those things.

a friendly honk sounds different.

and then a pushy woman stopped roadside to demand -and everything about the conversation felt like she was making demands- what i thought i was doing. it's ok with me if people don't like it and one of the things i make a point of doing when i talk to people is to be open to them and answer their questions truly and thoughtfully because it's part of having an open conversation and it's part of telling the truth, which is the only thing i have that will somehow make this clean.

this woman demanded to know exactly what the perpetrator had done sexually. she actually used that language, as if the degree of the assault somehow makes it different, as if there is some hard and fast line up to which it's ok.

and she also demanded to know if i am a lesbian and even before i could answer that the volunteered cheerfully that she would have a problem with that and that if i was a "normal woman" it would make a difference and it's exactly this kind of bullshit that makes it so important to draw the line hard and bright and say it is not ok to treat people like this and when people are treated like this it is not ok for churches and schools to sweep it under the carpet.

this woman said that back in her day we women had to endure this sort of thing all the time and just laugh it off because it was expected of us and she's right in that to an extent but at some point we have to -all of us- stand up and say this is not ok.

it was not ok then. it is not ok now, and it will not be ok tomorrow.

the prevalence of slut shaming and victim blaming is not ok. and it is not ok to look at my haircut and my shoes and judge me to be somehow less worthy of protection from harassment.

the culture of silence in churches and institutions is filthy on the inside and needs a good sweeping out.

i had to come home and have a little nap and eat some very good pudding and maybe now i will go for a bike ride.

what i am doing is making a church globally, profoundly uncomfortable until at least as one congregation it will clean its own house.

i have little hope for the vermont conference of the UCC, because while the united methodist church has already written to me to abdicate all moral standing and declare that none of this is their business, the united church of christ is perhaps the more morally bankrupt institution because from them there is silence and more silence.

i do not always know what to think.

what i know for sure is that it is time to sweep house. it is time to clean up the stain.

it is important for us to be able to tell our young people that when it happens to them it will not be ok with us. we need to be able to tell men and women that when it happens to them we will be there to pray with them and companion them even if we are uncomfortable. we need to be able to stand up and be counted and say when it happens to you we will not place the blame on you for letting it happen and we will not place the blame on you for not being strong enough to keep silent.

because when it happens to you it's not your job to protect the perpetrator.

you will notice that i have used the word "when", because statistically it will not be "if", but "when" and that is a sad, hard thing.

the work goes on.