easter parade

here's the catalogue:

handful of waves. notable first pass, right out of the gate two cars of wildly, effusively friendly wavers. i have no idea who they were.

couple of thumbs up.

one disapproving headshake from a lady in an easter hat.

this is what i sung to the tune of a familiar hymn that of course was sung inside:

hypocrites are here today
throw the victim out so the perp can stay

hypocrites are here today
throw the victim out so the perp can stay
hypocrites all rise and sing
throw the victim out so the perp can stay
we don't want to have to do a thing
throw the victim out so the perp can stay

at about ten fifteen a woman in a car stopped even thought there was traffic behind her:

"i just want you to know that i'm going to church now and you can come with us."
"thank you", i said, "but i have an engagement here until they deal properly with this"
"i hope you can get to church soon", she said.

i wished her a blessed easter.

a woman visiting the williston federated church asked me to tell her what was going on, so i did.

and overheard on the sidewalk, from some of the church regulars: "so now SHE'S the victim". and they laughed.

way to go, williston federated church. of course you would all band together and blame the victim. you're all very sad about assault and stalking until the husband of someone you like does it and then you all want to protect the perpetrator from the consequences of his actions.

oh, we can't simply help you to stay away from him; that would make him uncomfortable.
oh, we can't pray for you; it makes us uncomfortable.

when you fell apart because of it, we pushed you aside.
when you tried to regain your dignity, we turned away.
when you spoke of what had happened, we kicked you out.
when you started carrying the sign, we tried to get you incarcerated.

now that you won't let us forget what we did, we are going to call ourselves the victims.

because when you were assaulted and we tossed you out, it was terribly, terribly unfair and uncomfortable.

...for us.

easter morning

well, i slept in this morning, because, well, i'm having a life out here and part of that life is i'm going to my grandomther's for dinner.

so a couple short hours at the church and a lovely song or two and then off i go.

meanwhile, back at the blog, in the next few hours we're going to hit 1000 views, which is really awesome.

thank you all for reading.

because really, the purpose of the exercise is to get the word out and keep getting the word out, time without end, amen.

later on if i have the energy i'll catalog the various stuffs that happen on the walk, or whatever.


it is a serious thing, what happened to me and it is a serious thing, this culture of silence and blaming of the victim. it is a wrong thing, a dangerous thing.

but i can't be sad about it all the time. it is enough that i will simply keep walking for justice until justice has been done.

so i'm out the door for this morning's walk before going to my grandmother's.

it is sunny and beautiful and my heart is light.


many miles, many months, many years if need be.

onward.

holey saturday

i cut my afternoon pass short today so as not to mess with the business of the flower seller.

there were a half dozen waves and stuff, and quite frankly, i'm tired out from a day of skiing before my walk.

and tomorrow will be some long walks.

and tomorrow

and tomorrow

and tomorrow.

this'll probably take years.

whatever.

hey, do you think i should wear my pretty spring hat?

good friday, second verse

of course because the williston federated church was meeting jointly with the richmond congregational church tonight, my protest necessarily had to visit richmond.

it wasn't a surprise to reverend macneill nto to at least part of the board of deacons, because as a courtesy to them i wrote to them to tell them i was coming.

they are a people of conscience and deserved a heads up.

but it's a nervous thing, taking the story to any new venue.

and it isn't immediately obvious to the casual observer why i would be protesting the williston church in richmond.

the first person i ran into was a young woman of the church whom i nearly did nto recognize because she's at the age where a couple of years makes a BIG difference in how you look. and i'm not so good with faces. i wasn't entirely sure who she was until she high-fived me on the sidewalk.

and then some people went by.

a man said "that's a harsh message" to which i answered "it was a harsh thing". and he thanked me for taking the time to carry the sign.

when the crowd from the williston federated church came, ken stone, who is the chair of the official board, stopped and said "it's a lie".

you're no better than the perpetrator, ken.

it's a classic dodge, to call it a lie because justice is beyond the means of the victim. but he said and interesting thing: he said "we reported it to the williston police. we did what we were supposed to do. you didn't."

ok, so let's start here: you reported it eighteen months after you had knowledge, after you had begun to throw me out of the church.

then let's go to the part where i simply don't have the money to travel to virginia, (a notoriously woman-unfriendly state) to press charges in a he-said-she said.

the law maybe can't help me, but a church might could have a little morre moral oversight or support or something.

and the one thing i can prove about this is here: the church had knowledge of the assault for eighteen months and as my behavior got weirder and weirder as a result of the increasing pressure of being asked to be complicit in the silence the church continued to do nothing.

...until the church decided the best way to keep from being made uncomfortable by what had happened t me was to send me packing.

so good job blaming me for my own assault.

good job blaming me for not being aggressive enough in the prosecution of it.

good job abdicating any call for a church - a church, for christ's sake!-  to aid or comfort or take a moral stand.

because unless there was penetration, it doesn't count.

because a church is only concerned with the outcomes of police record and has mo moral or humanitarian authority to serve, comfort, or be compassionate.

good friday, first verse

i took- i don't know- six? nine? short passes in the afternoon.

i have to make a correction; apparently the driver with the weird behavior was the fraudulent pastor, so at least some of the behavior is excused or explained.

anyway, there were a few honk and waves and a couple of just waves and one completely unrelated out of state diver who flew through the intersection at about forty miles an hour and nevemrind the stop signs.

a LOT of really bad driving goes on at that corner.

in the two o'clock hour i was stopped for conversation by a woman who lives nearby and we were joined for a little while by a man who lives nearby.

we talked a while.

one of the things she siad was that she knows it can't be convenient for me to be out there every day, but she thanks me for my work against the culture of silence.

meanwhile, back here at the blog, it is interesting to know how readers are finding it. here is a screenshot of the search terms that have led people here in the last week:

the truth will set us free.

maundy thursday

i started with one short pass and then decided because of traffic and visibility to keep to just the front of the church where the sign is and the entrance.

there was one honk and wave, and one man with his children (!) who said they had seen me many days and decided to ask.

being mindful of how to tell the story with children made me forget to mention some of the salient bits, but it's ok, i guess.

the larger objective is not to convince everybody, but to tell the truth and keep telling it until the general perception of the williston federated church is forever intertwined with the image of the protest.

as long as there is no substantive effort to make right the culture of silence, nobody gets to begin the long hard work of erasing the assault and the story of it from cultural memory.

tonight while i walked i chose to sing "were you there?" but set to new words that described fairly bluntly the assault.

it is not particularly important that people hear the words; just that they knew i was singing that song.

you know, the one they end the maundy thursday service with inside.

"all are welcome at this table", the fraudulent pastor says.

well, no, all aren't welcome. if someone from the church assaults and then subsequently stalks you, you're only welcome as long as you don't talk about it.

the perpetrator is still welcome there.

were you there when his tongue was in my mouth?
were you there when his tongue was in my mouth?
oooooohhh- sometimes it makes me want to vomit, 
vomit,
vomit.
were you there when his tongue was in my mouth?

i don't ever want them to be able to use that music again without being reminded of it.

lent, day 42

another bright day on the line. two short passes and then two hours of tight church corners.

i was stopped by two drivers and got to talk a while.

both sets of people said they have seen me walking "all the time" and wanted to ask.

and there's the good news:  that corner and the williston federated church are becoming associated with my message and my protest.

people don't have to agree or approve as long as i can make the association stick.

why?

because when i was turned out, i was told that it was making people "too uncomfortable" for me to talk about what happened to me. how uncomfortable are you all NOW?

when i was turned out, i was told "if this is true, we have to fire the pastor".

by turning me out, they were telling me my experience was a lie.

so nobody has the choice not to talk about it anymore. nobody has the choice not to be uncomfortable anymore.

my sign and my message get to be more or less permanently associated with that church. that is to me an acceptable compensation for my trouble.

and as i closed my day there was one last cheerful honk and wave to put the last word on it.

it is light and liberating and good.

lent, day 41

i was going to tell you that it was nothing remarkable, being on the walk again.

there was the usual assortment on waves and stuff. a guy raised his coffee cup to me.

then there was some weirdness.

an olive green car with a coexist bumper sticker and a VPR bumper sticker sat in the church driveway facing out for the longest time as i walked by. and then they pulled out and into the lot of the convenience store across the street and the driver appeared to be taking pictures of me. and then they drove away upstreet, but they weren't gone very long.

they were gone long enough to have driven as far as the library or the police station and back.

and then they pulled back into the church lot. and then they pulled out and went the other way.

i can only speculate what kind of asinine thing was going on there. if i'd known it was going to be a freakshow, i'd have taken pictures.



but then a woman stopped to ask me for the story. she said she had seen me walking week after week and wanted to know, so she made a special stop to ask. she was very kind. and she told me to keep my chin up.

and thanked me for the work.

that there, the opportunity to tell the story of what happened, is the purpose of the exercise.

the truth will set us all free.

lent, day 40

i am stil unable to get warm, even with the heat up.

and due to an unrelated thing i am having some "intestinal discomfort".

i had rather intended to do the big push of returning to the line every day for holy week, but it's just another week in the long line of weeks to come and come and come.

today there will be rest.

i can walk the line again tomorrow.

palm sunday

i was going to be able to say there was nothing extraordinary about it; just one more day on the line walking.

there were some honk and waves and some thumbs ups and a wave or two from people with whom i have already talked at some length.

tan car man was there, twice. he rolls his window down as he goes by as if he is going to say something, but does not. he waves expansively and kindly.

but after church someone came out and offered me a palm.

i would name them, but i do not know if this would be viewed unkindly by the conspiracy of silence inside the church.

it was an odd moment for me, because i have in my home a vase full of all the palms i have gotten since the day of my conversion and last week while i was dusting i chose not to throw them out even though i felt that part of my life was over, just because i was not ready to throw out the palms.

i did not know how i felt about being offered a palm, or what it means in terms of my crisis of faith.

when i was asked if i would like one, i think i just stood and gaped for longer than is socially acceptable while i wrestled with the idea.

but i realized this: i wanted one. i do not know what the implications are, but i also know i do not have to sort out NOW whether or not i will ever be a person of faith again.

when i came to the williston federated church i had a vibrant and ebullient faith. in the months following the assault and at the hands of the church, not so much.

it's more nuanced than i think i can write about here.

but as i continued on my walk, all i could think about it was "oh, my jesus."

it was not possible to go any farther into that thought, so i called it sufficient in the moment.

and i cried. and walked. sign and palm.

after a while a man stopped to ask me for directions.

i went home, and i was unable to get warm for the rest of the day.

lent, day 38

i am SO going to have to go back for more antibiotics.

but in the meantime i want to say a big hello to all our new readers out there!

welcome, people who use AOL search! (do people still do that?) and welcome all of you comcast users who are sharing links to this blog via email!

thanks for sharing!

lent, day 37

today i had the energy either to walk the line or do my grocery shopping.

grocery shopping won.

but i take the long view: days turn to months turn to years.

absent substantive change, i am happy to continue with things just as they are.

it is peaceful and it is light and the truth is with me.

when the williston federated church sent me packing in silence and humiliation, they had no interest in speaking with me.

NOW all of a sudden they want something from me.

here is an email sally stockwell metro sent me:

I understand that you wish to meet with WFC representatives.  Can you tell me   -where you would envision such a meeting?   -who would you see attending?   -what would be the purpose of the meeting?   -what outcome would you expect?

i am not interested in meetings just for the sake of saying we had meetings. i will be interested when there is an indication that there is going to be substantive action.

so i responded:

I understand that you wish to meet with me. Can you tell me
-where you would envision such a meeting?
-who would you see attending?
-what would be the purpose of the meeting?
-what outcome would you expect?

if you don't have any constructive ideas, i'm going to ask you not to waste my time.

lent, day 36

today i was well enough to get up and walk the line again. i took four or five short passes, and most of the interesting stuff happened in the first pass.

one disapproving head shaker
two enthusiastic honk and waves
one big thumbs up

one carload of young women rolled down their window and started to say something of unclear intent, but their faces were friendly.

one woman stopped me at the corner to ask my story. "i see you all the time", she said.

she called me a woman of courage.

there were also a lot of slow drivebys. this is what happens, i think, when drivers attempt to read the sign for the first time. the more of these i see, the more i think i am reaching new eyes.

telling the story is the primary purpose of the activity.

thanks for reading.

lent, day 35

antibiotic, day 3.

today i took the email from the united methodist church district superintendent for show-and-tell.

interpretation?

"we have no moral standing or authority."

amazing.

that's how i read it, too.

lent, day 34

day 2 of the antibiotic.

later on i'll go back up to the line.

lent, day 33

today instead of walking the line i went to the doctor again.

it is interesting to note the analytics on this blog.

it is interesting to note that most of the people who visit do so via search terms "williston federated church" along with "sexual assault".

feel free to draw your own conclusions and talk amongst yourselves.

the truth will set us free.

that's what i said in the meeting where they threw me out.

we are all being set free.

"we practice radical welcome", the pastor says.
"all are welcome at this table" the pastor says.
"we accept the joys and the costs of following jesus", the congregation says.

mmmhm.

it's a fraud.

lent, day 32

started the day with three full short passes, and then all just church corners.

handful of honk and waves early.

at some point brian godwin of the williston federated church trustees came out to offer me the comment that walking with the sign isn't making me popular inside.

thanks, captain obvious.

and then he wanted me to know they were having some kind of big meeting about it today, as if i ought to be impressed.

"it's no concern of mine" i told him.

and he asked what i thought of in terms of resolution.

"i have found a resolution. this is what it looks like. now if you'll excuse me, i have walking to do."

and i walked.

at 9:10 the man in the tan car went by. he rolled down his window and said good morning and also "god bless you."

people waved.

i walked.

a carload of catholic religious went by and expressed their extreme disapproval, which only figures. that's a group of people who have a fairly limited number of predictable responses.

at 11:20 tan car man went by again.

when tony lamb said "if that's true, we have to fire the pastor", what i heard was "we do not intend to find the truth and we will prefer to simply call what happened to you a lie."

i therefore am making it my work to cause an entire congregation to have to examine itself rather carefully.

how do we respond to sexual assault when it happens within our congregation? how do we protect and care for the victim? DO we protect and care for the victim? or do we sweep it under the rug? are we the banishing sort? are all really welcome at this table? how do we punish those who speak up?

it's odd, but they're having to talk about this a LOT more than if i'd just been permitted to stay and mend my own fences.

oh, well.

it's a growth opportunity.

lent, day 31

i got out today to walk two hours on the line.

the three honk-and-waves all came in the first forty minutes, along with finding myself approaching the corner at the exact same time as joan newton o'gorman, the fraudulent pastor who should be fired.

on the last day i was allowed into the church for worship, they were short an usher and somebody thought it would be a  brilliant idea to send the perpetator down my side of the church with the collection plate. his name wasn't in the bulletin and i wasn't expecting it.

suddenly he was standing over me with that same goofy smile he had while he was on top of me and before i knew what i was doing i jumped maybe nine feet away.

and i looked up toward my pastor and the altar to my god and i saw the pastor looking down at me with that   same venomous satisfied smile she wore today at the streetcorner giving her false greeting.

when you hear her use the words "radical welcome", when she uses the words "all are welcome at this table", when she uses the words "do you accept the joys and costs of following jesus?" know that she is a fraud.

know that not everyone is welcome. know that the perpetrator is still welcome. know that behind the unctuous, venomous smile, there is the same love of authority and code of silence.

in church they will sing "were you there?"

well, were you? were you there?

nothing those people can do to me is worse than what they have already done.

it is institutional rot. it is filthy on the inside. it is time for daylight.

lent, day 30

today i made it back up onto the line.

i went at the busy part of the afternoon and i was going to be able to tell you that it was completely uneventful but as i was walking back to my car i got stopped by some of the neighbors and asked to tell the story.

"from now on when we see you, we will wave", they said.

lent, day 29

still sick.

lent, day 28

still sick.

i got an email from the lay leader at the williston federated church.


i am very much tempted to respond to them in the same prompt fashion in which they answered my concerns, which is to wait a number of months. before saying anything, and only then under some pressure.


i think what i will do is simply take the time to make a measured response.

it amuses me that NOW they want to talk with me.

lent, day 27

another sick day.

also a lot of rain.

there will be time to walk the line later.

a lot of time.

lent, day 26

sick day.

received in email a note from district superintendent of UMC and have forwarded it to clergy friends of varying denominations for their thoughts before making any comment.

lent, day 25

today's walk was very dense and i do not know if i can remember it all.

there were  a half dozen thumbs up, some waving, and one friendly honk-and-wave. there were two large gesticulators who may or may not have been hostile; i could not match body language to facial expression or tone of voice -unable to hear words from passing vehicle- so i don't know about those.

clearly the new game plan at the church is to be very kind; the same people who have been tight-lipped are stopping to say good morning and to smile and say hello. it;s just creepy when they make that change all at once.

that said, a couple people i was actually close to spoke to me today. we miss each other.

a third woman asked me to explain, coyly hitting on the point of why i didn't report the assault to the police, as if that proves it to be fictional.

well, the police understand why i didn't report it to the police. or at least officer scott of the williston police understands it.

i didn't expect much from this woman. she is the same one who some weeks ago called me "bitch" loud enough for me to hear and then five minutes later was all smiles and wished me a good morning.

and outside the church a man stopped his car to ask me for the story, but i told him there was traffic waiting behind him and he moved on.

a car belonging to a local christian radio station went by today and slowed WAY down. it;s not the first time they've passed, but each time they pass they take longer to do it and my feeling is that they're deciding whether or not to talk with me.

two women out walking stopped to talk with me and suggested a local advocacy group. i said i had looked at their website a lot of times, but never talked to them because i got my assault to stop before it went too far -wait, how far is acceptable?- but i always feel like i;m the junior varsity coming on the field.

they said not to worry. people understand.


and one woman stopped and asked if she could walk with me a while. so she did. we talked of what had happened to me and about faith and power structures and secrets.

i hear that they're going to discuss this in meetings at the church next week, that they are finding this very uncomfortable and that they hope to find a resolution.

what they don't realize is that this IS a resolution. i am fully comfortable in it now. this new normal is light and easy for me. there's nothing i want from them anymore.

i ran into someone from my first church at the grocery store. she asked how things were at the church.

"they threw me out", i said.

and i told her the story. it was kind of important because i have been trying to figure out how to write the pastor at that church and explain that because the williston federated church will be meeting jointly with them on good friday, my protest will necessarily visit their church as well.

they are people of conscience, people who know me. i will prefer if they are not caught by surprise, not unnecessarily upset.

lent, day 24

no fever this morning, and my throat was not raw so i dressed up warm and hit the walk again.

it was a bonanza day. a handful of drivers waved, mostly men. and then, i was stopped by a carful of women who asked me to explain. they were outraged and the driver shared that she used to be a catholic.

she said my long hours of walking had impressed her.

they were all very interested to hear about the lily foundation's grant that will subsidize the pastor's sabbatical leave and the choir's european vacation.

a while later the pastor of the williston federated church passed me on the street without looking at me and speaking.

a woman in a car stopped me and said she had seen me walking a lot and asked me to explain.

when i tell the story, i tell it true, even the parts where i maybe didn't make the best choices in response to what happened to me.

she was also outraged about what had happened, and about the lilly foundation's subsidy. she said she would be sure to spread that word of it, a thing i never ask people to do.

the young man who stopped to talk with me cried when i told him the story. he stood and prayed over me and i said it was ok even though i told him that as a result of all of what had happened i do not know anymore if there is a god to whom to pray.

turnout at today's special prayer workshop at the church was very thin.

lent, day 23

lent, day 23, sick day 6.

fever broke last night. day full of managing throat pain and sleeping.

lent, day 22

lent, day 22, sick day five.

 going to the doctor sick.

 tomorrow will be a recovery day.

lent, day 21

it is disappointing that i am still too sick to leave the house.

tomorrow would have been a long walk during choir practice, but i won't be well enough to walk the full three hours.

a short walk if i am able?

and maybe i will think of the effectiveness of random reinforcement.

wearing them down is a long fight. i have to be thinking of the long game and not of short gains.

price of truth.

price of daylight.

lent, day 20

second sick day.

didn't go out. barely got up.

lent, day 19

last night going to bed i felt as if i had a massive cold coming on.

this morning i am definitively sick.

i am not surprised given the amount of cold weather sporting and cold weather protesting i've been doing, and it's been physically exhaustive.

so i do not think anyone will mind (giggle) if i take this one day off and rest up. tomorrow is town meeting day in williston, and i will want to be rested enough to make some long passes while the civic minded voters come and go.

and realistically speaking, since i don't go every day at the same time and i don't take the same route every day, a daily presence is perceived hit-and-miss anyway.

the important thing is a general appearance of a possibility of showing up at any time, on any day. the important thing is to develop a branding so that the williston federated church is associated with this protest in the minds of people, so taking a sick day probably won't mess up the continuity of my message delivery much.

lent, day 18

the walk itself was unremarkable.

i got one thumbs up, a wave, and a couple stopped and said the admired my courage to make the protest, but there was traffic behind them so i thanked them and suggested they move on.

after church a woman from the church asked me to talk, so i did.

i learned that they pray for me every week during the service, which means they're talking about the whole thing a whole lot more than they would have had to if i'd just been allowed to stay.

she also say attendance is down, that it depresses people to have to see me and my sign and fewer come.

bingo.

and that's a funny thing, the way christians who feel they are aggrieved pray for you. they never pray to  right the wrong. they pray for you so see the "right" and let them off the hook.

i'm totally ok with things the way they are now, except it's a physical challenge to haul myself there every day. the people who WANT the march stopped are the people praying for me to stop it.

and they have the power to stop it at any time. all they have to do is sit down in a meeting with the district superintendent (UMC) and the conference minister (UCC).

when i started this journey i would have been happy with simply being allowed to stay and mend my own fences.

then i would have been satisfied with an apology and not returning.

now it's going to take that meeting, but the williston federated church has the ability to do that at any time, as do the united methodist church ad the united church of christ.


the woman today kept telling me she hoped i would find peace and meaning and happiness.

i kept having to tell her that i am at peace and i have meaning and i have happiness.

she actually said "but you just said you were unhappy"

i had to tell her "no, i said i was happy."

she could not process this information.

ever since i started the protest i am sleeping better than i ever have since the assault. i am waking refreshed in the morning.

the protest is not a thing i am doing to force other people to make me happy; i am happy with it the way it is. i will be happy also if the church wishes to properly address the coverup and i will agree to stop the protest in return for that.

but i do it with a light and peaceful heart.

lent, day 17

today i only took three short passes.

there is nothing to report.

tomorrow will be a long march, from the time people start arriving at church until they close it up.

every day that i am out there is a day that the image of my sign and my march gets associated with the wiiliston federated church. the neighbors are getting used to it. it's part of the furniture.

good.

lent, day 16

the walk this afternoon was three long passes and a short pass, for a total of about three and a half miles.

it was mostly uneventful.

there was one friendly beep, two turnaround drivebys, and a woman who pulled alongside and rolled down her window to speak to me.

i am always afraid when they stop, always afraid when i know the reason they have slowed down is to do or say something. i am always afraid that one of these days one of them will beat the crap out of me.

what would i do? get a new sign? a new camera?

the thing is, though, that if you're going to march, you have to be open to what comes. so far nearly every person who has stopped me has been supportive, and every person i talk to is an opportunity to let the light in on the assault and the coverup.

the woman who spoke to me today said more to me than i could hear, but i was to afraid in the moment to engage her. all i heard was "call the free press". i don't know if she was declaring intent to do so in some kind of solidarity or if she was being derisive. it felt dangerous to me.

meanwhile, i've learned that the methodist church's response / intervention team is going on a retreat this weekend.

isn't that nice?

you know what i've heard from the united methodist church in the months since i sent my letter to the district superintendent?

nothing.

that's why i'm out on the streetcorner with the sign, every damn day.

because the united methodist church response to the coverup at the williston federated church is silence.

and the united church of christ's response is to send a student pastor.

to study how to make coverups, i guess.

and the lilly foundation is subsidizing that pastor's conveniently timed sabbatical. and also the choir's european package tour vacation.

can you afford a european vacation?

i can't.

but the williston federated church can, because they're gotten a grant from the lilly foundation.

figures.