i can see my pain reflected in the sides of their cars and sometimes in their faces:
I AM
OUTCAST
FROM THIS CHURCH
it's the usual collection of people, the middle aged ladies passing by, the young men with facial piercings, the road cyclists, the quebecois motorcycle riders, the families dressed for other churches.
some people look at me, and look past. some look, and there is kind of a short conversation with me in their eyes. the ones that make me cry are the ones for whom my message holds, i can see too plainly, too much personal resonance.
some wave, some give thumbs up. a very few are tight lipped with disapproval. people from the williston federated church, people with whom i have shared meals and prayers and workdays, people who hugged me tight and called me a gift, people who were my church family, they pass right on by, not even looking at me, but looking through me.
most of them.
there are two men who look right at me and laugh derisive laughs, meant to be seen and absorbed. i do not understand how those men can look on that sorrow with such apparent retaliative glee. didn't they learn anything in church?
the people who look past me, they are uncomfortable. it is a difficult thing to say the words of welcome in the church and have the evidence that not all are welcome right out on the streetcorner. it is a thing of embarrassment to look at someone you have turned away.
today i catalogued the things people said to me, and i will tell them to you, all of them.
or nearly all of them, because what the young man said was lengthy and personal, and you don't need to know all the details.
why are you outcast?
thank you.
why are you outcast?
when it happened to my mother in law, the whole town blamed her. she still has trouble living in that town.
how uncomfortable are they now?
they SHOULD be uncomfortable.
(an unintelligible thing of unknown intent)
WE SUPPORT YOU!
i do not know what to think always. sometimes i think with a clear and rational head, one that does not cling to faith in a world where faith does such damage.
and sometimes i think with my heart of faith, like i had before the assault.
it is a tragedy, i used to think, when even one soul is lost. it is a tragedy when even one soul is made a stranger from God's Own Table, because, i used to preach, no matter who you are or what you have said or done, you are all welcome at God's table, in God's Grace, in God's Time, eternal and infinite.
i believed those words when they said them or words very like them in the church where i had made my home.
i do not know anymore what i believe. i know that my presence on the streetcorner exposes them as liars on the inside of the church.
"we practice radical welcome", they said every week on the inside (do they even still say it?), but here i am, the permanent reminder that it is a lie.
jesus may love you, but the williston federated church throws people away.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
sixteenth sunday in ordinary time
it was lovely and cool this morning on the corner.
i hadn't been there but five minutes or so when a gentleman stopped to advise me of a good church i could maybe go to, one that was welcoming and open and nonjudgmental.
i think the people of the williston federated church would be appalled to know how many times strangers passing by want to give me advice about good churches- you know, not like this one. you know, churches where they welcome everyone and are supportive. churches where they aren't into victim blaming.
i kid you not. people actually say this stuff to me.
they say it nearly every time i'm out there.
other things that i hear often, less often that that, but more often than i would like, are well-meaning people who want to measure the legitimacy of my claim on assault by asking what i was wearing, or where i was, or how i might have led the perpetrator on.
today i was asked if i had been leading him on in any way, as if this questioner has the standing to evaluate my personal life to see if i had maybe deserved an assault.
"no", i said. "none of us are EVER asking for it."
it's kind of a more complex social issue than just this, though. it is part of the culture where we not only blame women for their sexuality, but we blame women for men's sexuality, and not that sexual assault has as much to do with sexuality as it does dominance and violence and depersonalization, but it gets all tied in there and it is a multi-layered problem.
the best way, incidentally, for women not to be assaulted is for men to stop assaulting us.
did you guys follow the story out of saudi arabia a few months ago? the story where two men were expelled from the country because they were too handsome and saudi women might lose control?
it was treated in the press like an amusing little side trip, a cute instance of men being subjected to sexism.
but really what's going on here is we are in essence blaming women for that.
because women are not free agents. they are not in control of their feelings or desires and they are so deficient as humans that if men who are TOO HANDSOME come along, we have to protect women from even seeing them because women who see handsome men will naturally allow themselves to be ravished and then we would have to kill them for the honor of their families.
today for a while outside the church, the people inside thought it would be a lovely day to keep the front door open. the thing about that is that i know just where to stand on the street so that i can be seen from inside the church by anyone up at the lectern or in the aisle, facing the street.
none of you gets to forget that i am out here on the street.
I AM
OUTCAST
FROM THIS CHURCH.
they didn't want to be reminded of it.
they closed the door.
i hadn't been there but five minutes or so when a gentleman stopped to advise me of a good church i could maybe go to, one that was welcoming and open and nonjudgmental.
i think the people of the williston federated church would be appalled to know how many times strangers passing by want to give me advice about good churches- you know, not like this one. you know, churches where they welcome everyone and are supportive. churches where they aren't into victim blaming.
i kid you not. people actually say this stuff to me.
they say it nearly every time i'm out there.
other things that i hear often, less often that that, but more often than i would like, are well-meaning people who want to measure the legitimacy of my claim on assault by asking what i was wearing, or where i was, or how i might have led the perpetrator on.
today i was asked if i had been leading him on in any way, as if this questioner has the standing to evaluate my personal life to see if i had maybe deserved an assault.
"no", i said. "none of us are EVER asking for it."
it's kind of a more complex social issue than just this, though. it is part of the culture where we not only blame women for their sexuality, but we blame women for men's sexuality, and not that sexual assault has as much to do with sexuality as it does dominance and violence and depersonalization, but it gets all tied in there and it is a multi-layered problem.
the best way, incidentally, for women not to be assaulted is for men to stop assaulting us.
did you guys follow the story out of saudi arabia a few months ago? the story where two men were expelled from the country because they were too handsome and saudi women might lose control?
it was treated in the press like an amusing little side trip, a cute instance of men being subjected to sexism.
but really what's going on here is we are in essence blaming women for that.
because women are not free agents. they are not in control of their feelings or desires and they are so deficient as humans that if men who are TOO HANDSOME come along, we have to protect women from even seeing them because women who see handsome men will naturally allow themselves to be ravished and then we would have to kill them for the honor of their families.
today for a while outside the church, the people inside thought it would be a lovely day to keep the front door open. the thing about that is that i know just where to stand on the street so that i can be seen from inside the church by anyone up at the lectern or in the aisle, facing the street.
none of you gets to forget that i am out here on the street.
I AM
OUTCAST
FROM THIS CHURCH.
they didn't want to be reminded of it.
they closed the door.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
fifteenth sunday in ordinary time
i was on the corner again today, but with a different sign.
this one says
I AM
OUTCAST
FROM THIS CHURCH
i went with this new sign because while the church is having any conversation about what happened and what might happen next, it is perhaps not strictly true that it continues to cover up the assault and retain a culture of silence.
during a time when the church may possibly be working to choose now to do the right thing, i don't feel right carrying the usual sign. it is still true, however, that i am not permitted on the church property so it is accurate to say i am outcast.
i feel it is important to be present and be seen to be present as if to say yes, the volume of the rhetoric can be turned down while you are working on this thing, but i am still outside, here, where you can see me.
until you have made better this thing, none of you gets to forget it.
ever.
the day was largely unremarkable, but there were some events.
a road cyclist passed me and said "sorry", and then she came back to the intersection to ask if she might give me a hug.
ok, that's a little strange, but it is an expression of support and it is what she had to offer. there were some thumbs ups and one loud honking guy with a thumbs up and i was asked to explain by several sets of people.
mostly they expressed astonishment that a church would or could throw anybody out.
there's a lot i won't or can't talk about right now, i told them, because this is in mediation and what i am doing today is simply reminding people that i am still here.
one man stopped to say he has read this whole blog and does not see any place to get in touch with me.
mostly i don't encourage commentary here because the purpose of this blog is primarily to keep record for myself and explain to interested parties what happens during the protest. this blog is not a discussion of the assault itself or the aftermath of it.
the ideas surrounding this whole issue both personally and culturally usually carry strong feelings in people and quite frankly i'm not up to having a debate in this forum about what happened to me or what i'm doing about it.
but if you are reading and you wish to comment, i also do not prevent comments because to walk on the streetcorner is to communicate something to people and i feel that intellectual honesty about this requires that i listen as well as speak, and that means being open to whatever comments come.
so commenting on the blog here is enabled. it has been since day one, although only one person has ever used the feature so far.
be advised, though, that while i am open to seeing dissenting views here and responding to disagreement here, this is not going to become a referendum and it's not going to become a dogpile of victim blaming. it just isn't. it's my blog, and i get to make those decisions.
also if you want to comment but prefer not to publish your comment, i can hold those comments out of publication.
one gentleman who stopped today asked me if i had found another church.
i haven't.
i have an engagement at the williston federated church for all of the forseeable future. it is a moral stand and not just one about my personal outrage.
the culture of silence and victim blaming is a dangerous one and if a church or other organization represents itself as a safe haven, one where all are welcome, it needs to back up those words with action when things get pinched. it is actually more dangerous to a community when an organization purporting to be a safe haven is unsafe. it is dangerous to victims and to potential victims, and it does not give to the congregation the ability or opportunity to do a thing they claim to wish to do, which is to comfort and support those in pain.
so part of what i'm doing is to prod that one church into taking a hard look at itself and deciding what exactly it does stand for.
i am certain, though, that this message is not lost on passers-by: this is a church that throws people out.
when people are thinking about where to go to church or whether to go to church, they are looking for a home, not a place where they will feel vulnerable and where acceptance is conditional or the environment is unsafe.
see you out on the streetcorner.
this one says
I AM
OUTCAST
FROM THIS CHURCH
i went with this new sign because while the church is having any conversation about what happened and what might happen next, it is perhaps not strictly true that it continues to cover up the assault and retain a culture of silence.
during a time when the church may possibly be working to choose now to do the right thing, i don't feel right carrying the usual sign. it is still true, however, that i am not permitted on the church property so it is accurate to say i am outcast.
i feel it is important to be present and be seen to be present as if to say yes, the volume of the rhetoric can be turned down while you are working on this thing, but i am still outside, here, where you can see me.
until you have made better this thing, none of you gets to forget it.
ever.
the day was largely unremarkable, but there were some events.
a road cyclist passed me and said "sorry", and then she came back to the intersection to ask if she might give me a hug.
ok, that's a little strange, but it is an expression of support and it is what she had to offer. there were some thumbs ups and one loud honking guy with a thumbs up and i was asked to explain by several sets of people.
mostly they expressed astonishment that a church would or could throw anybody out.
there's a lot i won't or can't talk about right now, i told them, because this is in mediation and what i am doing today is simply reminding people that i am still here.
one man stopped to say he has read this whole blog and does not see any place to get in touch with me.
mostly i don't encourage commentary here because the purpose of this blog is primarily to keep record for myself and explain to interested parties what happens during the protest. this blog is not a discussion of the assault itself or the aftermath of it.
the ideas surrounding this whole issue both personally and culturally usually carry strong feelings in people and quite frankly i'm not up to having a debate in this forum about what happened to me or what i'm doing about it.
but if you are reading and you wish to comment, i also do not prevent comments because to walk on the streetcorner is to communicate something to people and i feel that intellectual honesty about this requires that i listen as well as speak, and that means being open to whatever comments come.
so commenting on the blog here is enabled. it has been since day one, although only one person has ever used the feature so far.
be advised, though, that while i am open to seeing dissenting views here and responding to disagreement here, this is not going to become a referendum and it's not going to become a dogpile of victim blaming. it just isn't. it's my blog, and i get to make those decisions.
also if you want to comment but prefer not to publish your comment, i can hold those comments out of publication.
one gentleman who stopped today asked me if i had found another church.
i haven't.
i have an engagement at the williston federated church for all of the forseeable future. it is a moral stand and not just one about my personal outrage.
the culture of silence and victim blaming is a dangerous one and if a church or other organization represents itself as a safe haven, one where all are welcome, it needs to back up those words with action when things get pinched. it is actually more dangerous to a community when an organization purporting to be a safe haven is unsafe. it is dangerous to victims and to potential victims, and it does not give to the congregation the ability or opportunity to do a thing they claim to wish to do, which is to comfort and support those in pain.
so part of what i'm doing is to prod that one church into taking a hard look at itself and deciding what exactly it does stand for.
i am certain, though, that this message is not lost on passers-by: this is a church that throws people out.
when people are thinking about where to go to church or whether to go to church, they are looking for a home, not a place where they will feel vulnerable and where acceptance is conditional or the environment is unsafe.
see you out on the streetcorner.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
vacation
hello, people.
i can tell by the blog analytics that some of you were checking here to see where i was or at least what i might say this past sunday when i was not inside the church and not on the corner with the sign.
i was simply on vacation in nova scotia.
it will not be possible for me to be in the church with you because there is still an active order of no trespass against me, so i'm afraid for the future it will have to be on the corner, with the sign.
would it were otherwise.
i hope you are well and i hope your homes and gardens are not too much underwater.
i can tell by the blog analytics that some of you were checking here to see where i was or at least what i might say this past sunday when i was not inside the church and not on the corner with the sign.
i was simply on vacation in nova scotia.
it will not be possible for me to be in the church with you because there is still an active order of no trespass against me, so i'm afraid for the future it will have to be on the corner, with the sign.
would it were otherwise.
i hope you are well and i hope your homes and gardens are not too much underwater.
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