it was going to be an uneventful walk.
i sort of hoped.
i had an appointment and only an hour to walk in.
the young woman in coveralls wanted to talk.
at first i thought she wanted to talk with me but then i wasn't sure so i went ahead and crossed the street which means she had to cross twice to talk with me.
i wish i had learned her name.
sometimes it is easier to look into the face of opposition than the face of support and compassion. it is easier sometimes to fight and have to explain why it wasn't ok than to have someone know without being told and to have them agree maybe more heartily.
there is a lot about that conversation i am not going to tell you.
but i will say that when i told here i had loved that church, she said "it sounds very much like you still do."
i do.
and we expect better sometimes from those we love.
and we are angry sometimes at those we love.
i am taking care of my feet. i expect to be walking that corner for a very long time yet to come.
that sign and my walk; it is the new normal. it is the new image of that church. i do not expect they will do the right thing. i hope it it, but i do not expect it.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
fifth monday of easter
there is not much to report about today's walk.
there were the usual waves. i am seeing an uptick in v-for-victory/peace signs.
some people of the church went by, tight-lipped.
one woman passing by rolled down her window and thumbs upped me with her whole arm, shouting "thank you! stay strong!"
a person i am not going to name passed and waved and smiled warmly.
mostly i just go about the business of rebranding the williston federated church.
you need not agree with me or approve of me for me to be satisfied. you need only think of my protest when you think of the church and i will have accomplished my task.
let this protest, these questions be the mark of this church and the legacy of this pastor.
open the windows. clean house.
there were the usual waves. i am seeing an uptick in v-for-victory/peace signs.
some people of the church went by, tight-lipped.
one woman passing by rolled down her window and thumbs upped me with her whole arm, shouting "thank you! stay strong!"
a person i am not going to name passed and waved and smiled warmly.
mostly i just go about the business of rebranding the williston federated church.
you need not agree with me or approve of me for me to be satisfied. you need only think of my protest when you think of the church and i will have accomplished my task.
let this protest, these questions be the mark of this church and the legacy of this pastor.
open the windows. clean house.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
fifth sunday of easter
well, it's been a day.
in a couple of hours this blog will have 1900 reads.
tan car man was there as he always is. i love tan car man.
and the usual wavers and all that were there. it's the new normal.
a woman came to talk with me on the curb. she gave me her number and invited me to talk.
and a well-meaning lady of the church stopped me after the service to tell me that even though other people are very angry inside the church, she still prays for me every week. and how i don;t have any friends in there anymore. and that since she was on the committee that hired the fraudulent pastor, she takes my protest personally.
there is so much wrong with that i don't know where to start.
that well meaning lady's companion stated that my protest is taking away people's freedom to worship.
news flash: it's not taking away your freedom of religion. it's taking away your ability to be sanctimonious self-serving hypocrites without having to think about your unexamined victim blaming and culture of silence, which last time i checked was not a constitutionally protected freedom.
since i was kicked out of the williston federated church for telling what happened to me, i take it kind of personally.
the funny thing about christians is that when they say they're going to pray for you, what they usually mean is that they'll pray for to see the error of their ways. when you live in a culture of silence, you don;t get angry or say what you mean but instead you pour on the horseshit and you tell people you want them to be happy and hope they get the help they need.
translation: the only possible explanation is that you are obviously very, very crazy because otherwise you would be good and obedient and silent.
in other news, there are a good many more subtle interactions.
people are complex, and their eyes say a lot. some of their eyes are cold and angry. some are full of contempt. some doubt. some carry affection still, and others do not know what to think.
it is a hard thing to find yourself on the other side of the door from people who you loved and who loved you. it is hard to find yourself of different sides of a thing none of you wanted or asked for. it is hard to want more of people than they can give.
it is hard to say pointy things sometimes, and hard to hear pointy things.
when the right thing is done it will be better. in the meantime, i walk.
walking is good enough.
in a couple of hours this blog will have 1900 reads.
tan car man was there as he always is. i love tan car man.
and the usual wavers and all that were there. it's the new normal.
a woman came to talk with me on the curb. she gave me her number and invited me to talk.
and a well-meaning lady of the church stopped me after the service to tell me that even though other people are very angry inside the church, she still prays for me every week. and how i don;t have any friends in there anymore. and that since she was on the committee that hired the fraudulent pastor, she takes my protest personally.
there is so much wrong with that i don't know where to start.
that well meaning lady's companion stated that my protest is taking away people's freedom to worship.
news flash: it's not taking away your freedom of religion. it's taking away your ability to be sanctimonious self-serving hypocrites without having to think about your unexamined victim blaming and culture of silence, which last time i checked was not a constitutionally protected freedom.
since i was kicked out of the williston federated church for telling what happened to me, i take it kind of personally.
the funny thing about christians is that when they say they're going to pray for you, what they usually mean is that they'll pray for to see the error of their ways. when you live in a culture of silence, you don;t get angry or say what you mean but instead you pour on the horseshit and you tell people you want them to be happy and hope they get the help they need.
translation: the only possible explanation is that you are obviously very, very crazy because otherwise you would be good and obedient and silent.
in other news, there are a good many more subtle interactions.
people are complex, and their eyes say a lot. some of their eyes are cold and angry. some are full of contempt. some doubt. some carry affection still, and others do not know what to think.
it is a hard thing to find yourself on the other side of the door from people who you loved and who loved you. it is hard to find yourself of different sides of a thing none of you wanted or asked for. it is hard to want more of people than they can give.
it is hard to say pointy things sometimes, and hard to hear pointy things.
when the right thing is done it will be better. in the meantime, i walk.
walking is good enough.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
fourth saturday of easter
it was pretty uneventful this morning on the line.
there were the regular wavers, near neighbors almost and their waves now pretty much represent hey, good morning. have a good day.
one runner shouted her good morning across the street and one car going through the intersection felt the enterprise merited a whole arm wildly waving out the window and some thumbs up.
the few people who are tight lipped and disappointed are hardest to gauge. they might be disappointed in any aspect of the situation, for or agin'.
near the end of the walk a man stopped in the intersection to ask what the story is.
i wish i could remember all of what he said, because i would like to hold and keep it close to my heart in the moments it gets uncomfortable.
what he said is that he is impressed by my tenacity. he told me i am persistent and clear and not overbearing.
just right, he said. keep it up, good luck, and thanks.
the really important thing, aside from how i feel personally about his support is the other thing he says, what everybody says: i see you out here every day. i keep wanting to talk with you.
because the objective of the walk is to rebrand the williston federated church so that no matter how anybody agrees or disagrees, the message and the image of the protest gets permanently associated with that corner, that church and that pastor.
when they told me they were throwing me out and that i had no options, that it wasn't their problem, this is the option i chose.
they have behaved as if i am attempting to convince them to take me back but once i knew they were filthy from the core the only thing to do was expose, educate, name.
it is a global problem and an institutional problem and an institution that will not do the right thing for its own sake and then not do the right thing even for appearance's sake must be corrected, and sharply.
and so i walk.
there were the regular wavers, near neighbors almost and their waves now pretty much represent hey, good morning. have a good day.
one runner shouted her good morning across the street and one car going through the intersection felt the enterprise merited a whole arm wildly waving out the window and some thumbs up.
the few people who are tight lipped and disappointed are hardest to gauge. they might be disappointed in any aspect of the situation, for or agin'.
near the end of the walk a man stopped in the intersection to ask what the story is.
i wish i could remember all of what he said, because i would like to hold and keep it close to my heart in the moments it gets uncomfortable.
what he said is that he is impressed by my tenacity. he told me i am persistent and clear and not overbearing.
just right, he said. keep it up, good luck, and thanks.
the really important thing, aside from how i feel personally about his support is the other thing he says, what everybody says: i see you out here every day. i keep wanting to talk with you.
because the objective of the walk is to rebrand the williston federated church so that no matter how anybody agrees or disagrees, the message and the image of the protest gets permanently associated with that corner, that church and that pastor.
when they told me they were throwing me out and that i had no options, that it wasn't their problem, this is the option i chose.
they have behaved as if i am attempting to convince them to take me back but once i knew they were filthy from the core the only thing to do was expose, educate, name.
it is a global problem and an institutional problem and an institution that will not do the right thing for its own sake and then not do the right thing even for appearance's sake must be corrected, and sharply.
and so i walk.
Friday, April 26, 2013
fourth friday of easter
there isn't much to report from today's walk.
there were a few waves. one woman made an enthusiastic gesture but due to windshield glare i couldn't rightly tell if it was a thumbs up or if she was flipping me off. it seemed cheerful, but people can flip you off cheerfully so i'm not making assumptions.
one guy stared me in the eye as he passed and although i did not sense friendliness, neither did i sense hostility, so no points for him for clarity of intent.
the most noteworthy part of the walk today was the part where i stopped to talk to a driver who was parked roadside with maps. a guy with maps out is not always someone who needs directions, but i was able to help him.
so that was nice.
there were a few waves. one woman made an enthusiastic gesture but due to windshield glare i couldn't rightly tell if it was a thumbs up or if she was flipping me off. it seemed cheerful, but people can flip you off cheerfully so i'm not making assumptions.
one guy stared me in the eye as he passed and although i did not sense friendliness, neither did i sense hostility, so no points for him for clarity of intent.
the most noteworthy part of the walk today was the part where i stopped to talk to a driver who was parked roadside with maps. a guy with maps out is not always someone who needs directions, but i was able to help him.
so that was nice.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
fourth thursday of easter
i went out to walk the line early-ish in the day in order to mesh with some errands i had to run, and it was mostly uneventful.
there was a bingo, and i got to talk a while with a woman who sees me "here every day" and wanted to talk. i keep forgetting to post the screencap of how people are finding the blog this week, so here it is:
what i'm saying here is that whether or not people are happy with my methods, the methods are very successful and meeting my goal, which is to rebrand the church image so that what people both in and out of the church think of when they think of the williston federated church is that protest.
for my purposes, it matters not one little bit whether people approve or disapprove as long as i can make the association stick.
that is the price i have chosen to claim for my humiliation and expulsion. if you expel me so that you don;t have to think about it, you never again have the luxury of not thinking about it.
and while it's true that the church will say i am not technically expelled, what i have here is a letter from the church stating that i'm still a member, but that i'm not allowed to set foot on church property.
you can call it not expelled if you like, but it's too fine a point and it's the kind of false fine point churches make while they hold the damnation of your soul over you for control of your behavior and of your money.
there was a bingo, and i got to talk a while with a woman who sees me "here every day" and wanted to talk. i keep forgetting to post the screencap of how people are finding the blog this week, so here it is:
the blog is now over 1800 views, and i was photographed twice yesterday and once today.
for my purposes, it matters not one little bit whether people approve or disapprove as long as i can make the association stick.
that is the price i have chosen to claim for my humiliation and expulsion. if you expel me so that you don;t have to think about it, you never again have the luxury of not thinking about it.
and while it's true that the church will say i am not technically expelled, what i have here is a letter from the church stating that i'm still a member, but that i'm not allowed to set foot on church property.
you can call it not expelled if you like, but it's too fine a point and it's the kind of false fine point churches make while they hold the damnation of your soul over you for control of your behavior and of your money.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
fourth wednesday of easter
today i went to walk the line for a little while and not too far into the walk i was approached by a woman who introduced herself and identified what local news organization she works for. she wanted to know if i would be willing to talk with the media.
she said that every time they send out a reporter to talk with me, i am already gone. omniscient narrator from the future knows that later on today another person will tell me that they've wanted to stop and talk with me but can't predict how long i will be there or for how long.
omniscient narrator from the future also knows there were waves and a v for victory and a second person who stopped to talk and ask how we can get this story to news media.
anyway, i told the television personality that i was ambivalent about talking with the media because although walking with a sign every day is a very public statement, it only goes so far and that i am only forced to each successive step by the silences of the church.
i hope, i told her, that there may still be an opportunity to allow the church to do what's right or as close to right as their tardiness can allow without making more things more public.
she left it on the note that if i wish to talk to reporters on camera, i should call.
it's not a very spectacular story. it's pretty plain and fairly common. it is one of the problems with cultural and institutional silence. it is one small shard of a much larger thing, a thing with many moving parts and many stories worse but it all stinks.
my first choice of course would have been not to have been assaulted.
failing that, i would have liked to have been supported by my "church family", the same people who got all teary eyed when they told me what a gift i was to them.
and in the wake of the slow degeneration what i wanted was to be able to stay and mend my own fences, quietly and with work and patience.
when they threw me out telling me that it was just too uncomfortable for people to have to think about, i wished to make that community profoundly and disturbingly uncomfortable in a way that would not be forgotten even long after they've forgotten my face or name.
i move between two ways of thinking: some days i want nothing more than to hold on to this new order, this way of exacting payment. as long as you are all uncomfortable, i think, as long as you have to have meetings and talk about it and look at it every time you meet, you are having to pay more attention and expend more of your resources and be more uncomfortable than you would have been if you had simply done the right thing from the outset, or at any available point of choice.
and it pleases me to know that this congregation has to pay much more dearly to have thrown me out than to have actually practiced the "radical welcome" they preach every week.
but then some days i think that maybe this discomfort will lead them finally to make a different choice. it is too late to do right by me, but a thorough cleaning of their house will make the thing better and give it worthwhile meaning.
i want to leave open the possibility that something good or right can be done.
maybe.
it's not really important whether i walk each day from hope or from rage. it matters simply that i keep walking, because it looks the same no matter which place it comes from, and the result will be the same.
either way, i sleep nights. i wake mornings refreshed and i don't jump if i see a shadow and i walk comfortably on this earth and i am not prepared to give those things up ever again.
she said that every time they send out a reporter to talk with me, i am already gone. omniscient narrator from the future knows that later on today another person will tell me that they've wanted to stop and talk with me but can't predict how long i will be there or for how long.
omniscient narrator from the future also knows there were waves and a v for victory and a second person who stopped to talk and ask how we can get this story to news media.
anyway, i told the television personality that i was ambivalent about talking with the media because although walking with a sign every day is a very public statement, it only goes so far and that i am only forced to each successive step by the silences of the church.
i hope, i told her, that there may still be an opportunity to allow the church to do what's right or as close to right as their tardiness can allow without making more things more public.
she left it on the note that if i wish to talk to reporters on camera, i should call.
it's not a very spectacular story. it's pretty plain and fairly common. it is one of the problems with cultural and institutional silence. it is one small shard of a much larger thing, a thing with many moving parts and many stories worse but it all stinks.
my first choice of course would have been not to have been assaulted.
failing that, i would have liked to have been supported by my "church family", the same people who got all teary eyed when they told me what a gift i was to them.
and in the wake of the slow degeneration what i wanted was to be able to stay and mend my own fences, quietly and with work and patience.
when they threw me out telling me that it was just too uncomfortable for people to have to think about, i wished to make that community profoundly and disturbingly uncomfortable in a way that would not be forgotten even long after they've forgotten my face or name.
i move between two ways of thinking: some days i want nothing more than to hold on to this new order, this way of exacting payment. as long as you are all uncomfortable, i think, as long as you have to have meetings and talk about it and look at it every time you meet, you are having to pay more attention and expend more of your resources and be more uncomfortable than you would have been if you had simply done the right thing from the outset, or at any available point of choice.
and it pleases me to know that this congregation has to pay much more dearly to have thrown me out than to have actually practiced the "radical welcome" they preach every week.
but then some days i think that maybe this discomfort will lead them finally to make a different choice. it is too late to do right by me, but a thorough cleaning of their house will make the thing better and give it worthwhile meaning.
i want to leave open the possibility that something good or right can be done.
maybe.
it's not really important whether i walk each day from hope or from rage. it matters simply that i keep walking, because it looks the same no matter which place it comes from, and the result will be the same.
either way, i sleep nights. i wake mornings refreshed and i don't jump if i see a shadow and i walk comfortably on this earth and i am not prepared to give those things up ever again.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
fourth tuesday of easter
today in the mail i received an anonymous letter from a member of the church.
i would call the sender a spineless toad, but it think it does a disservice to both toads and invertebrates. yeah, nancy, i'm lookin' at you.
later on i'll scan that in and ridicule it at length, because it's exactly the kind of lies i come to expect from churches. nice little work of false compassion and rationalization, though.
but that's a penalty clause.
i don't think i have much to talk about in mediation at this point.
today on the line a young man at the intersection rolled down his window and stuck his whole arm out to give me a thumbs up and he shouted "damn straight!" and waved before driving off.
somehow i do not think his support was coming from a place of concern for this specific incident, but rather a contempt for churches in general, which is a thing i hear rather a lot of these days.
one woman on the corner last week wanted to tell me that there are good churches out there and that i should look for one.
i had thought the williston federated church was one of those "good churches", but more and more i think about and hear about the inherent problems of communities that purport to be about moral choices but cover up and overlook assaults, abuses and intimidations.
it is about imbalanced power structure and it is about forced compliance by threat of ostracism and fear of damnation.
it is about the relegation and control of persons with essential dignity in favor of a hierarchical group structure.
when a group of people are willing to cover up and pass over for the sake of comfort, it is an institutional problem. when the churchman says "if that's true, we have to fire the pastor" and then no pastors are fired, it tells us all that we are not safe, that we cannot ask for even prayer from our "church family" else be tossed aside.
it is filthy and rotten from the inside and humiliation by the church can be a whole world of hurt worse than the original assault.
telling the truth and telling it over and over so that it is associated with the image of the church is the thing that gives me back my life.
i sleep soundly at night and i am beginning again to feel whole and alive in my rightful place on this earth.
i would call the sender a spineless toad, but it think it does a disservice to both toads and invertebrates. yeah, nancy, i'm lookin' at you.
later on i'll scan that in and ridicule it at length, because it's exactly the kind of lies i come to expect from churches. nice little work of false compassion and rationalization, though.
but that's a penalty clause.
i don't think i have much to talk about in mediation at this point.
today on the line a young man at the intersection rolled down his window and stuck his whole arm out to give me a thumbs up and he shouted "damn straight!" and waved before driving off.
somehow i do not think his support was coming from a place of concern for this specific incident, but rather a contempt for churches in general, which is a thing i hear rather a lot of these days.
one woman on the corner last week wanted to tell me that there are good churches out there and that i should look for one.
i had thought the williston federated church was one of those "good churches", but more and more i think about and hear about the inherent problems of communities that purport to be about moral choices but cover up and overlook assaults, abuses and intimidations.
it is about imbalanced power structure and it is about forced compliance by threat of ostracism and fear of damnation.
it is about the relegation and control of persons with essential dignity in favor of a hierarchical group structure.
when a group of people are willing to cover up and pass over for the sake of comfort, it is an institutional problem. when the churchman says "if that's true, we have to fire the pastor" and then no pastors are fired, it tells us all that we are not safe, that we cannot ask for even prayer from our "church family" else be tossed aside.
it is filthy and rotten from the inside and humiliation by the church can be a whole world of hurt worse than the original assault.
telling the truth and telling it over and over so that it is associated with the image of the church is the thing that gives me back my life.
i sleep soundly at night and i am beginning again to feel whole and alive in my rightful place on this earth.
Monday, April 22, 2013
fourth monday of easter
life is complex.
today i wanted to post a screencap of the search terms people are using to find this blog and write a short meditation on some of the "what-ifs" that cross my mind, like the sadness i my soul over the things i have lost in a chain of events following a creepy predatory pervert climbing on top of me violating me in first person and again by virtue of having been my best friend's husband and the magnitude of that betrayal and on top of that the fear of loss of community and communion and the humiliation in the church because it;s ok if a thing happens to you as long as nobody has to hear about it because otherwise it just makes us all too uncomfortable and this table of the lord is only selectively available to people who look and sound right and it probably would be ok if you get assaulted by someone we don't know; we'd be comfortable praying for you if THAT happened but if the creepy old pervert who jams his tongue in your mouth is someone we know it makes us too uncomfortable and it's just too bad for you.
well, that was a bit of a ramble.
i'm feeling kind of raw.
i did my errands and the grocery shopping and i went to walk the line and i had what i think was an angry honk because even though windshield glare kept me from seeing the driver, you get a sense for those things.
a friendly honk sounds different.
and then a pushy woman stopped roadside to demand -and everything about the conversation felt like she was making demands- what i thought i was doing. it's ok with me if people don't like it and one of the things i make a point of doing when i talk to people is to be open to them and answer their questions truly and thoughtfully because it's part of having an open conversation and it's part of telling the truth, which is the only thing i have that will somehow make this clean.
this woman demanded to know exactly what the perpetrator had done sexually. she actually used that language, as if the degree of the assault somehow makes it different, as if there is some hard and fast line up to which it's ok.
and she also demanded to know if i am a lesbian and even before i could answer that the volunteered cheerfully that she would have a problem with that and that if i was a "normal woman" it would make a difference and it's exactly this kind of bullshit that makes it so important to draw the line hard and bright and say it is not ok to treat people like this and when people are treated like this it is not ok for churches and schools to sweep it under the carpet.
this woman said that back in her day we women had to endure this sort of thing all the time and just laugh it off because it was expected of us and she's right in that to an extent but at some point we have to -all of us- stand up and say this is not ok.
it was not ok then. it is not ok now, and it will not be ok tomorrow.
the prevalence of slut shaming and victim blaming is not ok. and it is not ok to look at my haircut and my shoes and judge me to be somehow less worthy of protection from harassment.
the culture of silence in churches and institutions is filthy on the inside and needs a good sweeping out.
i had to come home and have a little nap and eat some very good pudding and maybe now i will go for a bike ride.
what i am doing is making a church globally, profoundly uncomfortable until at least as one congregation it will clean its own house.
i have little hope for the vermont conference of the UCC, because while the united methodist church has already written to me to abdicate all moral standing and declare that none of this is their business, the united church of christ is perhaps the more morally bankrupt institution because from them there is silence and more silence.
i do not always know what to think.
what i know for sure is that it is time to sweep house. it is time to clean up the stain.
it is important for us to be able to tell our young people that when it happens to them it will not be ok with us. we need to be able to tell men and women that when it happens to them we will be there to pray with them and companion them even if we are uncomfortable. we need to be able to stand up and be counted and say when it happens to you we will not place the blame on you for letting it happen and we will not place the blame on you for not being strong enough to keep silent.
because when it happens to you it's not your job to protect the perpetrator.
you will notice that i have used the word "when", because statistically it will not be "if", but "when" and that is a sad, hard thing.
the work goes on.
today i wanted to post a screencap of the search terms people are using to find this blog and write a short meditation on some of the "what-ifs" that cross my mind, like the sadness i my soul over the things i have lost in a chain of events following a creepy predatory pervert climbing on top of me violating me in first person and again by virtue of having been my best friend's husband and the magnitude of that betrayal and on top of that the fear of loss of community and communion and the humiliation in the church because it;s ok if a thing happens to you as long as nobody has to hear about it because otherwise it just makes us all too uncomfortable and this table of the lord is only selectively available to people who look and sound right and it probably would be ok if you get assaulted by someone we don't know; we'd be comfortable praying for you if THAT happened but if the creepy old pervert who jams his tongue in your mouth is someone we know it makes us too uncomfortable and it's just too bad for you.
well, that was a bit of a ramble.
i'm feeling kind of raw.
i did my errands and the grocery shopping and i went to walk the line and i had what i think was an angry honk because even though windshield glare kept me from seeing the driver, you get a sense for those things.
a friendly honk sounds different.
and then a pushy woman stopped roadside to demand -and everything about the conversation felt like she was making demands- what i thought i was doing. it's ok with me if people don't like it and one of the things i make a point of doing when i talk to people is to be open to them and answer their questions truly and thoughtfully because it's part of having an open conversation and it's part of telling the truth, which is the only thing i have that will somehow make this clean.
this woman demanded to know exactly what the perpetrator had done sexually. she actually used that language, as if the degree of the assault somehow makes it different, as if there is some hard and fast line up to which it's ok.
and she also demanded to know if i am a lesbian and even before i could answer that the volunteered cheerfully that she would have a problem with that and that if i was a "normal woman" it would make a difference and it's exactly this kind of bullshit that makes it so important to draw the line hard and bright and say it is not ok to treat people like this and when people are treated like this it is not ok for churches and schools to sweep it under the carpet.
this woman said that back in her day we women had to endure this sort of thing all the time and just laugh it off because it was expected of us and she's right in that to an extent but at some point we have to -all of us- stand up and say this is not ok.
it was not ok then. it is not ok now, and it will not be ok tomorrow.
the prevalence of slut shaming and victim blaming is not ok. and it is not ok to look at my haircut and my shoes and judge me to be somehow less worthy of protection from harassment.
the culture of silence in churches and institutions is filthy on the inside and needs a good sweeping out.
i had to come home and have a little nap and eat some very good pudding and maybe now i will go for a bike ride.
what i am doing is making a church globally, profoundly uncomfortable until at least as one congregation it will clean its own house.
i have little hope for the vermont conference of the UCC, because while the united methodist church has already written to me to abdicate all moral standing and declare that none of this is their business, the united church of christ is perhaps the more morally bankrupt institution because from them there is silence and more silence.
i do not always know what to think.
what i know for sure is that it is time to sweep house. it is time to clean up the stain.
it is important for us to be able to tell our young people that when it happens to them it will not be ok with us. we need to be able to tell men and women that when it happens to them we will be there to pray with them and companion them even if we are uncomfortable. we need to be able to stand up and be counted and say when it happens to you we will not place the blame on you for letting it happen and we will not place the blame on you for not being strong enough to keep silent.
because when it happens to you it's not your job to protect the perpetrator.
you will notice that i have used the word "when", because statistically it will not be "if", but "when" and that is a sad, hard thing.
the work goes on.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
fourth sunday of easter
bingo, and bingo.
today i managed to make a lot of people angry. they do not like my song.
that's ok with me; they're not intended to like my song. the purpose of the song quite frankly is to make them all grumpy before the service and then all grumpy again afterward, mostly because when i was thrown out of the church for telling what had happened to me i was very explicitly told that people don't want to come to church to hear difficult things. they want a happy worship experience and they want to feel good.
in return for this i wish to transform their cultural mood for the foreseeable future, from generation to generation, world without end, amen.
we're irrelevant and useless in the church
we're irrelevant and useless in the church
you can tell by our behavior
that we never met the savior
we're irrelevant and useless in the church
we're all talk and we're no action in the church
we're all talk and we're no action in the church
we might pray and we might sing
but we will not do anything
because we're talk and we're no action in the church
and we have no moral compass in the church
no, we have no moral compass in the church
we might sing and we might pray
but we'll tell you to go away
because we have no moral compass in the church
we are all about control inside the church
we are all about control inside the church
and if jesus christ had risen
we would throw him into prison
'cause we're all about control inside the church
oh, we love to blame the victim in the church
yes, we love to blame the victim in the church
you'll be silent and obedient
'cause we find that more expedient
and we love to blame the victim in the church
hear the pastor from the pulpit tell us lies
hear the pastor fromt he pulpit tell us lies
match her actions with her preaching
and compare to jesus' teaching
hear the pastor from the pulpit tell us lies.
and then after the service bill fellinger came over in his classic condescening way because he wanted to tell me a story. i'm not making this stuff up. bill is that guy in the crowd who's the self-appointed self-aggrandized bard who believes every occasion necessarily requires him to lead the group in song or regale it with a tale because he is in his eyes possessed of great wisdom but really he's just a big blowhard and when he starts that shit people roll their eyes and shuffle their feet.
and he's out there on the street trying to follow me up and down calling me by name and telling me "i want to tell you a story" as if any weak little allegory about a little girl who made herself very, very unpopular and ended up sad would make a difference to me.
tell you what, bill. you want to talk WITH me, i'll stop and we can talk. you want to talk down at me and you'll continue to see my back. i didn't have a lot of time for your particular brand of bullshit back when i had to be polite about it because i wanted to get along nicely in the church but now that i'm an outcast i have no interest in standing still for that crap.
ok, the sun is shining and it's lunchtime and i might could have a little nap and maybe go for a bike ride or maybe make some pudding.
oh! and i nearly forgot: we topped 1700 views here on the blog, so thanks for reading.
today i managed to make a lot of people angry. they do not like my song.
that's ok with me; they're not intended to like my song. the purpose of the song quite frankly is to make them all grumpy before the service and then all grumpy again afterward, mostly because when i was thrown out of the church for telling what had happened to me i was very explicitly told that people don't want to come to church to hear difficult things. they want a happy worship experience and they want to feel good.
in return for this i wish to transform their cultural mood for the foreseeable future, from generation to generation, world without end, amen.
we're irrelevant and useless in the church
we're irrelevant and useless in the church
you can tell by our behavior
that we never met the savior
we're irrelevant and useless in the church
we're all talk and we're no action in the church
we're all talk and we're no action in the church
we might pray and we might sing
but we will not do anything
because we're talk and we're no action in the church
and we have no moral compass in the church
no, we have no moral compass in the church
we might sing and we might pray
but we'll tell you to go away
because we have no moral compass in the church
we are all about control inside the church
we are all about control inside the church
and if jesus christ had risen
we would throw him into prison
'cause we're all about control inside the church
oh, we love to blame the victim in the church
yes, we love to blame the victim in the church
you'll be silent and obedient
'cause we find that more expedient
and we love to blame the victim in the church
hear the pastor from the pulpit tell us lies
hear the pastor fromt he pulpit tell us lies
match her actions with her preaching
and compare to jesus' teaching
hear the pastor from the pulpit tell us lies.
and then after the service bill fellinger came over in his classic condescening way because he wanted to tell me a story. i'm not making this stuff up. bill is that guy in the crowd who's the self-appointed self-aggrandized bard who believes every occasion necessarily requires him to lead the group in song or regale it with a tale because he is in his eyes possessed of great wisdom but really he's just a big blowhard and when he starts that shit people roll their eyes and shuffle their feet.
and he's out there on the street trying to follow me up and down calling me by name and telling me "i want to tell you a story" as if any weak little allegory about a little girl who made herself very, very unpopular and ended up sad would make a difference to me.
tell you what, bill. you want to talk WITH me, i'll stop and we can talk. you want to talk down at me and you'll continue to see my back. i didn't have a lot of time for your particular brand of bullshit back when i had to be polite about it because i wanted to get along nicely in the church but now that i'm an outcast i have no interest in standing still for that crap.
ok, the sun is shining and it's lunchtime and i might could have a little nap and maybe go for a bike ride or maybe make some pudding.
oh! and i nearly forgot: we topped 1700 views here on the blog, so thanks for reading.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
third saturday of easter
bingo.
i took a little time to walk the line today when i was out for my errands.
there were the usual waves and a couple of honks and some new eyes on the sign and one woman who read it and her jaw dropped open with surprise or disbelief or i don't know what.
a few drivers were very explicit in their support and encouragement.
one young woman got out of her car to take pictures of me. i did not ask why.
a woman who works for channel 3 news stopped to ask what i am doing because she sees me "out here every day". i could not talk with her really because she was blocking traffic and that presents a whole new set of dangers and worries for me.
"i would tell you the story", i told her (twice), "but you're blocking traffic and people will want to get by."
so really.
if you pull over next time and are not blocking traffic i will tell you as much of the story as you want.
in other news there were a series of weird and erratic behaviors by the pastor-who-should-be-fired.
now you have to bear in mind that when i'm doing short passes i go from the bikepath on the west side of the church out to the end of church property on the south side of the church. then i cross the road and walk up to the intersection. when the traffic is clear, i cross the intersection and go up to the crosswalk or as far as a break in the traffic makes convenient and then i cross and come back down the other side. when i get to the corner i turn left and when i get to the bikepath i cross and start again.
it is simple and predictable and i have been doing it nearly every day for some months.
so i get used to traffic patterns.
let's just say there was a lot of back and forthing and some display behaviors that were amusing.
they should probably not let her out unsupervised. she looks like she might be having a bad day or something and ought to be kept out of public view.
i took a little time to walk the line today when i was out for my errands.
there were the usual waves and a couple of honks and some new eyes on the sign and one woman who read it and her jaw dropped open with surprise or disbelief or i don't know what.
a few drivers were very explicit in their support and encouragement.
one young woman got out of her car to take pictures of me. i did not ask why.
a woman who works for channel 3 news stopped to ask what i am doing because she sees me "out here every day". i could not talk with her really because she was blocking traffic and that presents a whole new set of dangers and worries for me.
"i would tell you the story", i told her (twice), "but you're blocking traffic and people will want to get by."
so really.
if you pull over next time and are not blocking traffic i will tell you as much of the story as you want.
in other news there were a series of weird and erratic behaviors by the pastor-who-should-be-fired.
now you have to bear in mind that when i'm doing short passes i go from the bikepath on the west side of the church out to the end of church property on the south side of the church. then i cross the road and walk up to the intersection. when the traffic is clear, i cross the intersection and go up to the crosswalk or as far as a break in the traffic makes convenient and then i cross and come back down the other side. when i get to the corner i turn left and when i get to the bikepath i cross and start again.
it is simple and predictable and i have been doing it nearly every day for some months.
so i get used to traffic patterns.
let's just say there was a lot of back and forthing and some display behaviors that were amusing.
they should probably not let her out unsupervised. she looks like she might be having a bad day or something and ought to be kept out of public view.
Friday, April 19, 2013
third friday of easter
after running my errands and a little light geocaching, i had time to walk the line a while.
maybe it is a trick of the light, but i was able to see the faces of more of the drivers and struck by how kind they are.
two different drivers at the intersection did not go through the stop sign until they were certain that i'd seen their thumbs up.
in other news, the husband of the pastor who should be fired was out front when i went by the parsonage on some of the passes, and i have never seen anyone check a mailbox so resolutely.
i am thinking today a lot about that morning brian godwin came out of the church while i was out to offer me advice and tell me that the sign wasn't winning me any points inside.
i wish i could remember his exact words, because i want to know what he thought i wanted from anyone inside. i would really love to know what anyone in there thought they could offer me at that point or what case i needed pleading in there or why anything they could offer at that point would be worth anything to me.
perhaps he though that i was looking in some way for readmission to the community that had ejected me.
it is typical of the williston federated church to do too little too late.
all i want now is to stick the knowledge of the assault and the failure to act appropriately and the absence of moral standing or even the truth or that "radical welcome" they talk about- to take the knowledge of all of that and how they have to necessarily support the victims or become the people who blame the victims- to take that question and that debate and stick it firmly in the public eye and in the institutional culture and to intertwine the questions and pains of it in the cultural heritage of the church so that a generation from now it will not yet be forgotten.
what i want now it to make the protest be permanently linked with the church in community perception so that it is the pastor's legacy. what i want is for the church to be known and recognized for THAT.
i want THAT to be the first thing anyone thinks of then they think of the williston federated church.
it could have been otherwise. i could have stayed and been let to mend my own fences and patch up the hole left in the wake of the assault and the church's failure to properly respond, but i will accept this solution.
it is good enough.
maybe it is a trick of the light, but i was able to see the faces of more of the drivers and struck by how kind they are.
two different drivers at the intersection did not go through the stop sign until they were certain that i'd seen their thumbs up.
in other news, the husband of the pastor who should be fired was out front when i went by the parsonage on some of the passes, and i have never seen anyone check a mailbox so resolutely.
i am thinking today a lot about that morning brian godwin came out of the church while i was out to offer me advice and tell me that the sign wasn't winning me any points inside.
i wish i could remember his exact words, because i want to know what he thought i wanted from anyone inside. i would really love to know what anyone in there thought they could offer me at that point or what case i needed pleading in there or why anything they could offer at that point would be worth anything to me.
perhaps he though that i was looking in some way for readmission to the community that had ejected me.
it is typical of the williston federated church to do too little too late.
all i want now is to stick the knowledge of the assault and the failure to act appropriately and the absence of moral standing or even the truth or that "radical welcome" they talk about- to take the knowledge of all of that and how they have to necessarily support the victims or become the people who blame the victims- to take that question and that debate and stick it firmly in the public eye and in the institutional culture and to intertwine the questions and pains of it in the cultural heritage of the church so that a generation from now it will not yet be forgotten.
what i want now it to make the protest be permanently linked with the church in community perception so that it is the pastor's legacy. what i want is for the church to be known and recognized for THAT.
i want THAT to be the first thing anyone thinks of then they think of the williston federated church.
it could have been otherwise. i could have stayed and been let to mend my own fences and patch up the hole left in the wake of the assault and the church's failure to properly respond, but i will accept this solution.
it is good enough.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
third thursday of easter
in between the shoppings i managed to walk the line for a time.
there is little to report besides that i got to tell the story again to someone who stopped me because "i see you here every day".
there were two cars where they honked and waved with mighty enthusiasm, and two cars where the occupants made some sort of gesture but between windshield glare and the other things i have to pay attention to for my safety, i could not tell if the gestures were supportive or not. they felt sort of like thumbs up, but i couldn't see clearly enough to be sure.
it is about branding and about building an automatic association between that church, that corner, and this sign.
often when i can see people read the sign, their eyes go to the church sign and then to the steeple and i know that in their minds a connection has just been reinforced.
people do not have to agree with what i am doing for this principle to be effective.
there is little to report besides that i got to tell the story again to someone who stopped me because "i see you here every day".
there were two cars where they honked and waved with mighty enthusiasm, and two cars where the occupants made some sort of gesture but between windshield glare and the other things i have to pay attention to for my safety, i could not tell if the gestures were supportive or not. they felt sort of like thumbs up, but i couldn't see clearly enough to be sure.
it is about branding and about building an automatic association between that church, that corner, and this sign.
often when i can see people read the sign, their eyes go to the church sign and then to the steeple and i know that in their minds a connection has just been reinforced.
people do not have to agree with what i am doing for this principle to be effective.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
third wednesday of easter
in between my haircut and another appointment i had time to walk the line.
i made a few short passes and some church corners, as traffic indicated.
there's nothing to report, other than a few waves and i scored a bingo. mighty coincidence has had me scoring a bingo every time i go out in the last week or so, which is satisfying.
and as to the traffic, the general principle is maximum eyes on the message and minimum holding up of turning traffic. usually i can see someone turning into one of the driveways and can slow down or scoot across faster so as not to hold them up, but sometimes i get caught mid crossing or they start their turn from my blind spot or whatever.
when i get to the intersection i have the right of way of the crosswalk, but i rarely cross when there's traffic from either direction because the purpose of the crosswalk is to let pedestrians get where they're going and the purpose of my walk is to have the sign be seen by as many people as possible, so it seems pointless to make anybody have to wait just so my sign can be seen from that side of the road instead of this one.
i made a few short passes and some church corners, as traffic indicated.
there's nothing to report, other than a few waves and i scored a bingo. mighty coincidence has had me scoring a bingo every time i go out in the last week or so, which is satisfying.
and as to the traffic, the general principle is maximum eyes on the message and minimum holding up of turning traffic. usually i can see someone turning into one of the driveways and can slow down or scoot across faster so as not to hold them up, but sometimes i get caught mid crossing or they start their turn from my blind spot or whatever.
when i get to the intersection i have the right of way of the crosswalk, but i rarely cross when there's traffic from either direction because the purpose of the crosswalk is to let pedestrians get where they're going and the purpose of my walk is to have the sign be seen by as many people as possible, so it seems pointless to make anybody have to wait just so my sign can be seen from that side of the road instead of this one.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
third tuesday of easter
i walked mostly just church corners today and mostly just the west side because it was more sheltered from the wind.
a protest sign is essentially a big sail.
there were a few waves and a lot of new eyes but nothing really to report.
the important thing is to be a regular presence so that people associate that corner with that sign and that message for years to come.
i would very much have preferred to work quietly from the inside to make right what could be made right and to mend fences, but i have had to carve my own resolution out of it.
the way i look at it, there is now an equitable sharing of the discomfort.
oooh! and i forgot to mention!
we're up over 1600 pageviews here on the blog!
thank you for reading.
a protest sign is essentially a big sail.
there were a few waves and a lot of new eyes but nothing really to report.
the important thing is to be a regular presence so that people associate that corner with that sign and that message for years to come.
i would very much have preferred to work quietly from the inside to make right what could be made right and to mend fences, but i have had to carve my own resolution out of it.
the way i look at it, there is now an equitable sharing of the discomfort.
oooh! and i forgot to mention!
we're up over 1600 pageviews here on the blog!
thank you for reading.
Monday, April 15, 2013
third monday of easter
now is probably a good time to mention that i will be taking some planned absences from the line.
there's a lot that can be said about the effectiveness of sporadic reinforcement, but you can do your own research if you want to know about the principles behind that.
when i am thinking of the long game, i am thinking in terms of years.
purpose, planning, perseverance.
there's a lot that can be said about the effectiveness of sporadic reinforcement, but you can do your own research if you want to know about the principles behind that.
when i am thinking of the long game, i am thinking in terms of years.
purpose, planning, perseverance.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
third sunday of easter
there were a lot of hours on the line today and a lot of stuff happened. i find that the more complex the story of the day is, the harder it is to write about it.
before the assault and even for some time after, when i was still a person of faith, i used to pause in my day for prayer at rising and retiring, at ten, noon, two, and five. they aren't the canonical hours, but it was a discipline of faith that i wished to practice.
similarly i read scripture and commentaries every day, and i spent a lot of time in working on art and music for use of the church and to the glory of god.
maybe those things don't matter to the telling of what happened on the line today, but i started writing this as a simple record of the honks and waves or even fist shaking because it was getting harder by the day to remember the sequence of things as i walked the line.
it is maybe not important for me to write the meditations of the walk, but as the days go on analytics tell me that people are reading the story and they are probably looking to learn more than how many people waved or that there are 1880 steps in a long pass or the mechanics of how i decide which side of the street to walk on.
i am never sure when people of the church approach how to hold myself. i know how to walk the corner and i know how to talk with strangers, but i never know what to say to the people of the church. we were friends. we shared a faith path and i have said and am saying some pointy things and i never know quite what to say anymore.
today a lot of kind people of the church spoke with me.
most of the time when i am telling this story i leave out the parts where people of the church react or do not because barring the big gestures, it's kind of personal and except for the places where it's personal, the problem is institutional and systemic.
and the pastor took a mistake and instead of making it better, she doubled down on it.
this morning i got up early and did some light geocaching and then went to walk the line.
a lot of the usual passers-by were there. tan car man was there. there were wavers and honkers and a lot of thumbs up. there was one shaming finger wagger (because the church doing the coverup should not be ashamed; the victim of the assault should be ashamed for bringing it up, i guess).
there was a man who rolled down his window to mumble something unintelligible and some men who rolled down windows to holler something as enthusiastic as it was incomprehensible, but there was whooping and there was laughing.
i don't know what goes on inside the church anymore; i'm not allowed in.
so i can only guess and i can only watch and listen.
what i heard today is that there are people in the church who know what happened to me and want to know how they can help. and what i heard is that there are people who are still allowed in there who are thanking me for work they admire.
to be sure, my walk is not universally approved of inside the church. people of the church have reacted in a variety of ways. today i saw some signs of some surprising support.
and so that nobody gets in trouble, i want to say that most of the church people who spoke with me expressed affection for me but did not weigh in on the issues, so if you saw me talking with them, do not assume what they said.
but i also received thanks for this specific work of the protest, so i know there is no unified opinion inside.
today was also a meeting of the champlain district of the UCC, which was being held at the williston federated church.
now, the united methodist church has responded to my letter to them by saying it's just none of their business and that they consider it to be the province of the united church of christ.
the united church of christ, of which i am a member, has met me with silence only.
if you listen to their words they are all about decency and responsibility and right action, but their silence speaks the big lie.
if it makes us too uncomfortable, we will simply turn you away.
so i stayed on the line as the delegates were arriving to the meeting and got some mixed reactions from there. it was the usual mix of curiosity and disbelief and blame, but nothing unexpected.
two people today asked me how i am in my faith now. i had to answer that i do not know.
it seems important to the people who asked that i keep the faith in the god i loved. the woman on the corner said she will hold me up in prayer and i said i would appreciate that very much.
then i came home and had some lovely homemade pudding and had a nap. i walked five hours and my feet hurt.
there are going to be a lot of days for walking as the years pass.
thanks for reading.
before the assault and even for some time after, when i was still a person of faith, i used to pause in my day for prayer at rising and retiring, at ten, noon, two, and five. they aren't the canonical hours, but it was a discipline of faith that i wished to practice.
similarly i read scripture and commentaries every day, and i spent a lot of time in working on art and music for use of the church and to the glory of god.
maybe those things don't matter to the telling of what happened on the line today, but i started writing this as a simple record of the honks and waves or even fist shaking because it was getting harder by the day to remember the sequence of things as i walked the line.
it is maybe not important for me to write the meditations of the walk, but as the days go on analytics tell me that people are reading the story and they are probably looking to learn more than how many people waved or that there are 1880 steps in a long pass or the mechanics of how i decide which side of the street to walk on.
i am never sure when people of the church approach how to hold myself. i know how to walk the corner and i know how to talk with strangers, but i never know what to say to the people of the church. we were friends. we shared a faith path and i have said and am saying some pointy things and i never know quite what to say anymore.
today a lot of kind people of the church spoke with me.
most of the time when i am telling this story i leave out the parts where people of the church react or do not because barring the big gestures, it's kind of personal and except for the places where it's personal, the problem is institutional and systemic.
and the pastor took a mistake and instead of making it better, she doubled down on it.
this morning i got up early and did some light geocaching and then went to walk the line.
a lot of the usual passers-by were there. tan car man was there. there were wavers and honkers and a lot of thumbs up. there was one shaming finger wagger (because the church doing the coverup should not be ashamed; the victim of the assault should be ashamed for bringing it up, i guess).
there was a man who rolled down his window to mumble something unintelligible and some men who rolled down windows to holler something as enthusiastic as it was incomprehensible, but there was whooping and there was laughing.
i don't know what goes on inside the church anymore; i'm not allowed in.
so i can only guess and i can only watch and listen.
what i heard today is that there are people in the church who know what happened to me and want to know how they can help. and what i heard is that there are people who are still allowed in there who are thanking me for work they admire.
to be sure, my walk is not universally approved of inside the church. people of the church have reacted in a variety of ways. today i saw some signs of some surprising support.
and so that nobody gets in trouble, i want to say that most of the church people who spoke with me expressed affection for me but did not weigh in on the issues, so if you saw me talking with them, do not assume what they said.
but i also received thanks for this specific work of the protest, so i know there is no unified opinion inside.
today was also a meeting of the champlain district of the UCC, which was being held at the williston federated church.
now, the united methodist church has responded to my letter to them by saying it's just none of their business and that they consider it to be the province of the united church of christ.
the united church of christ, of which i am a member, has met me with silence only.
if you listen to their words they are all about decency and responsibility and right action, but their silence speaks the big lie.
if it makes us too uncomfortable, we will simply turn you away.
so i stayed on the line as the delegates were arriving to the meeting and got some mixed reactions from there. it was the usual mix of curiosity and disbelief and blame, but nothing unexpected.
two people today asked me how i am in my faith now. i had to answer that i do not know.
it seems important to the people who asked that i keep the faith in the god i loved. the woman on the corner said she will hold me up in prayer and i said i would appreciate that very much.
then i came home and had some lovely homemade pudding and had a nap. i walked five hours and my feet hurt.
there are going to be a lot of days for walking as the years pass.
thanks for reading.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
second saturday of easter
we're up over 1500 views on the blog here, so thanks for reading.
today i took a few passes on the church corner.
there were a handful of honkers, and brace of thumbs-up guys, a truckload of wavers and one guy whose intent was probably unfriendly but his gesture unclear.
so no points for that.
a passing woman chimed in with a grossly hyperinflated statistic regarding the number of men who are perpetrators, but all i really had time to tell her was that if you tell that it happened to you, this church here will throw you right on out.
i got to tell the story to a passing runner who stopped to ask, who in turn promised to tell her friend who came by just as we were finishing and also wanted to know.
i saw the creepy coverup pastor twice while i was walking. the first time she appeared to be talking loudly and gesturing to nobody in particular which wasn't terribly freaky because she looked pretty much like people do when they're talking out loud enthusiastically to themselves or their invisible friends while driving.
the second time, though, she had some kind of weird spastic movements which i could only ascribe to maniacal laughter or coughing up a hairball.
either way, they probably shouldn't let her out in public.
today i took a few passes on the church corner.
there were a handful of honkers, and brace of thumbs-up guys, a truckload of wavers and one guy whose intent was probably unfriendly but his gesture unclear.
so no points for that.
a passing woman chimed in with a grossly hyperinflated statistic regarding the number of men who are perpetrators, but all i really had time to tell her was that if you tell that it happened to you, this church here will throw you right on out.
i got to tell the story to a passing runner who stopped to ask, who in turn promised to tell her friend who came by just as we were finishing and also wanted to know.
i saw the creepy coverup pastor twice while i was walking. the first time she appeared to be talking loudly and gesturing to nobody in particular which wasn't terribly freaky because she looked pretty much like people do when they're talking out loud enthusiastically to themselves or their invisible friends while driving.
the second time, though, she had some kind of weird spastic movements which i could only ascribe to maniacal laughter or coughing up a hairball.
either way, they probably shouldn't let her out in public.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
second thursday of easter
i took a few passes on the church corner today.
there were a few waves, one wildly enthusiastic honker, and i got to tell the story to a young man who lives in a neighboring house. he asked me to tell it because "we see you out here all the time".
and when i was done talking with him, he said, "we'll be cheering for you!"
so i came home and had lunch.
the blog has over 1450 views.
walking the line is light and easy work. to tell the story and to keep telling it restores to me a dignity that was taken from me first by the perpetrator and then more egregiously by the church.
to ask and ask again to be restored to dignity is a sad position to be in. this was not my first, second, or even third choice for restoration, but i have carved out for myself a place on which to stand, a place of solid resolution and peace.
there is nothing i want from the williston federated church anymore. i have learned from them all the lessons i need about humiliation and shame and ostracism. i have learned from them all the lessons i want about hypocrisy and silence.
make no mistake: the walk is not a means to an end. it IS an end. it is my chosen resolution to the matter. it is the new normal.
i have to go put my feet up.
i have a lot more walking to do in the coming years.
there were a few waves, one wildly enthusiastic honker, and i got to tell the story to a young man who lives in a neighboring house. he asked me to tell it because "we see you out here all the time".
and when i was done talking with him, he said, "we'll be cheering for you!"
so i came home and had lunch.
the blog has over 1450 views.
walking the line is light and easy work. to tell the story and to keep telling it restores to me a dignity that was taken from me first by the perpetrator and then more egregiously by the church.
to ask and ask again to be restored to dignity is a sad position to be in. this was not my first, second, or even third choice for restoration, but i have carved out for myself a place on which to stand, a place of solid resolution and peace.
there is nothing i want from the williston federated church anymore. i have learned from them all the lessons i need about humiliation and shame and ostracism. i have learned from them all the lessons i want about hypocrisy and silence.
make no mistake: the walk is not a means to an end. it IS an end. it is my chosen resolution to the matter. it is the new normal.
i have to go put my feet up.
i have a lot more walking to do in the coming years.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
second wednesday of easter
it was an uneventful day on the line; there were the usual waves and all the routine stuff but one enthusiastic honk and wave from a gentleman whose truck sported a "drum machines have no soul" bumpersticker.
hello, kindred spirit. i hope you are having an awesome day.
hello, kindred spirit. i hope you are having an awesome day.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
second tuesday of easter
today i received an email from tony lamb with an offer of a thing that may mean some progress.
i learned a lot of things about trust and faith at the hands of the williston federated church, chief among them being don't trust anyone, and don't have faith.
tony was the churchman who sat at the table and said "if that's true, we have to fire the pastor", and since there has been no firing of any pastors, it is hard for me not to feel i have been called a liar.
in fact, i would be very stupid indeed not to feel i had been called a liar, since ken stone stood on a sidewalk about eighteen inches from me and called me a liar.
and yet i do not feel like lampooning tony's email, because it represents maybe something in the way of progress.
i am waiting to run it by some people and i am waiting to have in writing that tony has authorization to make this offer before i have any public comment on it.
i will note that i have already arrived at a conclusion to this matter that suits me well. it will be interesting to see if the church will offer anything substantive that i would like better than what i have at present.
in the months of silence and humiliation, in the time of simply being ejected and told there was nothing i could do about it i arrived at a thing i can do and am doing and my heart is greatly at peace in it.
it would take a thing substantially better than what i have now to give up what i have now.
my life walking the line has returned to a state of equilibrium i have not enjoyed since before the assault, the stalking, and the humiliation at the hands of the church. i am not at all anxious to give up my equilibrium and peace for some small weak concession.
i have the thing i need. i am willing to consider trading it for something better, but i do not know what forms "better" may take.
i learned a lot of things about trust and faith at the hands of the williston federated church, chief among them being don't trust anyone, and don't have faith.
tony was the churchman who sat at the table and said "if that's true, we have to fire the pastor", and since there has been no firing of any pastors, it is hard for me not to feel i have been called a liar.
in fact, i would be very stupid indeed not to feel i had been called a liar, since ken stone stood on a sidewalk about eighteen inches from me and called me a liar.
and yet i do not feel like lampooning tony's email, because it represents maybe something in the way of progress.
i am waiting to run it by some people and i am waiting to have in writing that tony has authorization to make this offer before i have any public comment on it.
i will note that i have already arrived at a conclusion to this matter that suits me well. it will be interesting to see if the church will offer anything substantive that i would like better than what i have at present.
in the months of silence and humiliation, in the time of simply being ejected and told there was nothing i could do about it i arrived at a thing i can do and am doing and my heart is greatly at peace in it.
it would take a thing substantially better than what i have now to give up what i have now.
my life walking the line has returned to a state of equilibrium i have not enjoyed since before the assault, the stalking, and the humiliation at the hands of the church. i am not at all anxious to give up my equilibrium and peace for some small weak concession.
i have the thing i need. i am willing to consider trading it for something better, but i do not know what forms "better" may take.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
divine mercy sunday
it was a long morning on the line.
i had a new song to sing and was excited about that, so i bounced out of bed at dawn and had to cool my heels a little before it was time to go walk the line.
ken stone either needs a driving refresher course or an anger management seminar.
and karen rounds flipped me off this morning with the juiciest, most theatrical middle finger display i have seen in adults.
stay classy, karen.
tan car man went by and said good morning as usual. there were the usual selection of waves and thumbs up, and one very disappointed tightlipped headshaker.
oddly, there seemed to be an unusual number of first time sign readers.
it was communion sunday inside the congregation of silence. i know that the pastor stood and said no matter who you are or where you are on their spiritual journey, all are welcome at this table. i know she said that, because until the williston federated church threw me out so they didn't have to be all uncomfortable about the assault, i used to hear those words and love them.
of course, now i know that all are not welcome at that table and that essentially it is a lie.
it is a lie to say that we care for our own.
it is a lie to say that we care about a safe church.
the united methodist church crisis response team is a lie.
the united church of christ safe churches initiative is a lie.
the claim that all are welcome is a lie.
they will say all are welcome at this table for this meal
they will say all are welcome at this table for this meal
but they will not serve the victim and the welcome is not real
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds, by their deeds
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds.
they will say all are welcome but we know they're just words
they will say all are welcome but we know they're just words
as they;re driving in the parking lot they're flipping you the bird
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds, by their deeds
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds.
during the service a woman who has seen me on the corner "all the time" stopped to ask me to tell the story. when i got to the part about the coverup she said "i'm not surprised."
and she said an interesting thing: "i have given up on churches. God does not live there anymore."
after church a woman asked me to tell her the story.
i did. i thanked her for asking. she offered me a donut.
it was funny, because i had been coveting the donuts, but i declined because, well, seriously. that is WAY more sugar and fat than i should have had in my stomach at that hour of day.
but it was sweet of her to ask and i went home with a light heart.
so.
see you on the line tomorrow.
and tomorrow.
and tomorrow.
there's time.
i had a new song to sing and was excited about that, so i bounced out of bed at dawn and had to cool my heels a little before it was time to go walk the line.
ken stone either needs a driving refresher course or an anger management seminar.
and karen rounds flipped me off this morning with the juiciest, most theatrical middle finger display i have seen in adults.
stay classy, karen.
tan car man went by and said good morning as usual. there were the usual selection of waves and thumbs up, and one very disappointed tightlipped headshaker.
oddly, there seemed to be an unusual number of first time sign readers.
it was communion sunday inside the congregation of silence. i know that the pastor stood and said no matter who you are or where you are on their spiritual journey, all are welcome at this table. i know she said that, because until the williston federated church threw me out so they didn't have to be all uncomfortable about the assault, i used to hear those words and love them.
of course, now i know that all are not welcome at that table and that essentially it is a lie.
it is a lie to say that we care for our own.
it is a lie to say that we care about a safe church.
the united methodist church crisis response team is a lie.
the united church of christ safe churches initiative is a lie.
the claim that all are welcome is a lie.
they will say all are welcome at this table for this meal
they will say all are welcome at this table for this meal
but they will not serve the victim and the welcome is not real
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds, by their deeds
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds.
they will say all are welcome but we know they're just words
they will say all are welcome but we know they're just words
as they;re driving in the parking lot they're flipping you the bird
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds, by their deeds
and we'll know they are liars by their deeds.
during the service a woman who has seen me on the corner "all the time" stopped to ask me to tell the story. when i got to the part about the coverup she said "i'm not surprised."
and she said an interesting thing: "i have given up on churches. God does not live there anymore."
after church a woman asked me to tell her the story.
i did. i thanked her for asking. she offered me a donut.
it was funny, because i had been coveting the donuts, but i declined because, well, seriously. that is WAY more sugar and fat than i should have had in my stomach at that hour of day.
but it was sweet of her to ask and i went home with a light heart.
so.
see you on the line tomorrow.
and tomorrow.
and tomorrow.
there's time.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
first saturday of easter
here, minus the greeting and the closing, is the laughable email from sally stockwell metro, the lay leader of the williston federated church:
and here, complete with typo, is my response:
i have not chosen not to meet with you. you have not offered a meeting, so it is disingenuous to say that i have choses not to come to it.
I'm sorry you have chosen not to meet with us.
The person you have been singing about left the church before you and no longer attends WFC.and here, complete with typo, is my response:
i have not chosen not to meet with you. you have not offered a meeting, so it is disingenuous to say that i have choses not to come to it.
to repeat:
I understand that you wish to meet with me. Can you tell me
-where you would envision such a meeting?
-who would you see attending?
-what would be the purpose of the meeting?
-what outcome would you expect?
-where you would envision such a meeting?
-who would you see attending?
-what would be the purpose of the meeting?
-what outcome would you expect?
when you have a constructive plan on how to proceed i will be happy to meet with you.
by "left the church" i do not think you understand the difference between "barred by order of no trespass" and "welcome to return", which are two different things.
in order to help you understand what will be considered a constructive plan, i wish to know how you will be addressing your church's culture of silence and systematic coverup, and the pastor's failure to act appropriately with regard to reporting, protection, or even spiritual guidance.
the basic conditions of the problem remain in effect so therefore until you have a constructive plan the protest will remain in effect.
it is your problem and not mine. i have settled on an acceptable solution but since you continue to write me i can only assume that for some reason it is not acceptable to you.
if you would like my help on this, you are welcome to engage in problem solving on your end and let me know what you come up with.
Friday, April 5, 2013
first friday of easter
i don't have a lot to say about my time today on the line.
it was short, but i got to spend much of it talking with a kind man who said he did not know how to help.
i told him that by talking, he was doing all i needed him to do. eyes on the sign, ears to the message.
silence is not acceptable.
the culture of silence and of victim blaming is not only not just unacceptable, but it is a dangerous message we send: when it happens to you, you will keep silent or you will be turned out.
the church that was so keen to silence discussion when their answer was simply to send me packing now wishes me to know my protest has been heard.
well, good. do you have a plan for action? because action is required.
they wish for me to be reasonable see that they've done everything they can do, but they truth is nobody was interested to speak about it until i hit the streets with the sign, and the truth is that we are still a long, long way from them even doing the bare minimum, which is sort of my point.
there were some other things that happened today involving a spectacularly inept email from sally stockwell metro, the church's lay leader, and a conversation with a victim advocate.
there will be time later to talk of those things.
there are many days of walking yet to come in the coming months and sadly, probably years.
as long as it takes.
ooh! and sometime tonight this blog will top 1300 views. so thanks for reading.
it was short, but i got to spend much of it talking with a kind man who said he did not know how to help.
i told him that by talking, he was doing all i needed him to do. eyes on the sign, ears to the message.
silence is not acceptable.
the culture of silence and of victim blaming is not only not just unacceptable, but it is a dangerous message we send: when it happens to you, you will keep silent or you will be turned out.
the church that was so keen to silence discussion when their answer was simply to send me packing now wishes me to know my protest has been heard.
well, good. do you have a plan for action? because action is required.
they wish for me to be reasonable see that they've done everything they can do, but they truth is nobody was interested to speak about it until i hit the streets with the sign, and the truth is that we are still a long, long way from them even doing the bare minimum, which is sort of my point.
there were some other things that happened today involving a spectacularly inept email from sally stockwell metro, the church's lay leader, and a conversation with a victim advocate.
there will be time later to talk of those things.
there are many days of walking yet to come in the coming months and sadly, probably years.
as long as it takes.
ooh! and sometime tonight this blog will top 1300 views. so thanks for reading.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
first thursday of easter
wow, what a day!
first of all, this blog passed 1200 views last night, so awesome. this truth is gonna get all TOLD up in here.
i went up to the line right after breakfast this morning so that i could enjoy the afternoon sunshine.
and bonus! when i got there, some kind of meeting or something was letting out. and then another one apparently started. and then another meeting or activity or something. the west side of the church was a hopping place to be.
i have a number of regular paths that i choose according to traffic patterns and where the eyes are. that's key: eyes on the message.
so there were the usual handful of waves but then at the beginning of hour two of the walk, an angry guy in a white minivan leaving the church parking lot rolled down his window so he could shout "get a job!" at me.
i do not know why, but that little display tickled me half to death and i nearly peed myself giggling.
and then on my last pass of the day, a delivery driver stopped to talk with me. when i told him that maybe he was blocking the church driveway and he might want to move so people could get by, he cheerfully judged there to have been enough space for them to get around. the man ought to know. unlike a lot of drivers at that intersection, he knows how big a truck is and how much room traffic needs to get by.
he called me "sister" and a "woman of courage" and ventured an opinion that those who cover sins to save themselves embarrassment WILL be meeting justice in the end.
"we are the church", he said.
and he said a lovely prayer for us and for the world at large and he thanked me for my work and the gift of this meeting.
i told him that even though the treatment by this church put me in a crisis of faith, i promised to light a candle and say a prayer for him.
and with a light heart i went home.
first of all, this blog passed 1200 views last night, so awesome. this truth is gonna get all TOLD up in here.
i went up to the line right after breakfast this morning so that i could enjoy the afternoon sunshine.
and bonus! when i got there, some kind of meeting or something was letting out. and then another one apparently started. and then another meeting or activity or something. the west side of the church was a hopping place to be.
i have a number of regular paths that i choose according to traffic patterns and where the eyes are. that's key: eyes on the message.
so there were the usual handful of waves but then at the beginning of hour two of the walk, an angry guy in a white minivan leaving the church parking lot rolled down his window so he could shout "get a job!" at me.
i do not know why, but that little display tickled me half to death and i nearly peed myself giggling.
and then on my last pass of the day, a delivery driver stopped to talk with me. when i told him that maybe he was blocking the church driveway and he might want to move so people could get by, he cheerfully judged there to have been enough space for them to get around. the man ought to know. unlike a lot of drivers at that intersection, he knows how big a truck is and how much room traffic needs to get by.
he called me "sister" and a "woman of courage" and ventured an opinion that those who cover sins to save themselves embarrassment WILL be meeting justice in the end.
"we are the church", he said.
and he said a lovely prayer for us and for the world at large and he thanked me for my work and the gift of this meeting.
i told him that even though the treatment by this church put me in a crisis of faith, i promised to light a candle and say a prayer for him.
and with a light heart i went home.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
first wednesday of easter
there's not much to report.
i walked the line for about an hour, and three or four people waved.
later on i will have a meditation for you about the message the williston federated church is sending to its members and friends about how they will be treated when it happens to them- and i say when instead of if because the statistical probability is that i am not alone- but it is a long day for me in terms of how many things i can think about.
later on there will be time for writing the meditations of the line.
i walked the line for about an hour, and three or four people waved.
later on i will have a meditation for you about the message the williston federated church is sending to its members and friends about how they will be treated when it happens to them- and i say when instead of if because the statistical probability is that i am not alone- but it is a long day for me in terms of how many things i can think about.
later on there will be time for writing the meditations of the line.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
first tuesday of easter
i walked the line this afternoon for an uneventful hour or so.
there were a half dozen waves and one frowning woman. it;s not clear to me if the woman was frowning AT me, but you never know.
we are settling into our routine, the walk and i.
you come, too.
there were a half dozen waves and one frowning woman. it;s not clear to me if the woman was frowning AT me, but you never know.
we are settling into our routine, the walk and i.
you come, too.
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